12-05-2013, 06:26 PM
I take it upon myself not to directly edit another poet's work because I feel that it might be sacrilege to do so (not to imply that the attempts of other forum members to do so should be seen as such; I merely feel unworthy of doing so). I will say that I found the wording a bit disjointed. For instance:
"I believed in world,
The river flow I followed".
It sounds a bit ungrammatical and thus difficult to follow.
Also, I found it a little difficult to follow this line:
"Like a wounded animal looking for a shelter,
I was looking for a lost path."
I couldn't understand if you were saying that while you were looking for a shelter and found a lost path instead, or if you meant that looking for the shelter was a lost cause. While I personally didn't feel the essence of the poem, I do think that there is potential in the wording should you decide to edit it. Thank you for sharing.
"I believed in world,
The river flow I followed".
It sounds a bit ungrammatical and thus difficult to follow.
Also, I found it a little difficult to follow this line:
"Like a wounded animal looking for a shelter,
I was looking for a lost path."
I couldn't understand if you were saying that while you were looking for a shelter and found a lost path instead, or if you meant that looking for the shelter was a lost cause. While I personally didn't feel the essence of the poem, I do think that there is potential in the wording should you decide to edit it. Thank you for sharing.