11-29-2013, 06:42 PM
Returned to this poem today, and there's a few things about which I would like to ask some advice. Any other feedback is of course very welcome as well.
Edit 3 (SkaaDee, trueenigma, milo)
Our living room shook violently
every ten minutes or so; Replaced dash by semi-colon. I think it's more subtle, but what do you think? Would a full stop/colon be better?
my brother and I spent hours
howling as the trains crashed by.
A funeral today, another
bridge support crumbling down. @Trueenigma: I've decided on "support". I've experimented a lot with the other suggestions, but somehow they felt too "concrete". The fact that "support" is somewhat abstract makes the reader skim it over just a little bit; as a reader I don't get "stuck" on the image. And for me it gives the poem a better flow to the next few lines, which are more important for me as a "concrete image". Does that make any sense?
And like a ghost, I appear
in front of my old home. Not sure about this full stop. Semi-colon?
They buried the tracks, They or they've? "They've" still sounds more powerful to me, it feels more like a "done deal", and slightly more bitter ("What have they done to the tracks??") But what do you think?
topped it with a little park. @Milo: agreed, "topped" sounds a bit funny, but I like "topped" in that it has some bitterness and sarcasm to it. "Covered" or similair verbs lose this edge a bit for me.
I close my eyes, hear Removed "and" for "hear" to keep it moving forward to the next verse. What annoys me slightly is the non-intended rhyme "and appear"/"hear" on a similar enjambment. It looks a bit too cute for me, but what do you think?
the fast train approaching,
inhale all the air
in the park, the streets, the city,
the light from the windows,
the sun - Last four lines start in/in and the/the. I don't really like the way that looks...
When read aloud, these last six lines have a good sense of "expansion" to me, but on the page it doesn't work as well; for me it visually loses tension on "The sun". How do you feel about this?
and let it all out.
@Milo: agreed, the last line borders on cliché, but somehow I feel it works here. I actually like the ambiguity that it can be read as "exhaling in acceptance" and a loud scream (which on a second read would be quite clear I think, combined with the title and the first verse). Also the fact that it's a somewhat old-fashioned 60's-70's cliché for me adds to the theme of nostalgia in the poem. "And scream" feels too direct for me.
What I still find problematic is the use of "all". Either statement "inhale all the air" and "let it all out" I feel is weakened quite a bit by removing "all", but both are weakenend somewhat because I use "all" twice. Not sure what to do here...
All best,
Jan
Edit 3 (SkaaDee, trueenigma, milo)
Our living room shook violently
every ten minutes or so; Replaced dash by semi-colon. I think it's more subtle, but what do you think? Would a full stop/colon be better?
my brother and I spent hours
howling as the trains crashed by.
A funeral today, another
bridge support crumbling down. @Trueenigma: I've decided on "support". I've experimented a lot with the other suggestions, but somehow they felt too "concrete". The fact that "support" is somewhat abstract makes the reader skim it over just a little bit; as a reader I don't get "stuck" on the image. And for me it gives the poem a better flow to the next few lines, which are more important for me as a "concrete image". Does that make any sense?
And like a ghost, I appear
in front of my old home. Not sure about this full stop. Semi-colon?
They buried the tracks, They or they've? "They've" still sounds more powerful to me, it feels more like a "done deal", and slightly more bitter ("What have they done to the tracks??") But what do you think?
topped it with a little park. @Milo: agreed, "topped" sounds a bit funny, but I like "topped" in that it has some bitterness and sarcasm to it. "Covered" or similair verbs lose this edge a bit for me.
I close my eyes, hear Removed "and" for "hear" to keep it moving forward to the next verse. What annoys me slightly is the non-intended rhyme "and appear"/"hear" on a similar enjambment. It looks a bit too cute for me, but what do you think?
the fast train approaching,
inhale all the air
in the park, the streets, the city,
the light from the windows,
the sun - Last four lines start in/in and the/the. I don't really like the way that looks...
When read aloud, these last six lines have a good sense of "expansion" to me, but on the page it doesn't work as well; for me it visually loses tension on "The sun". How do you feel about this?
and let it all out.
@Milo: agreed, the last line borders on cliché, but somehow I feel it works here. I actually like the ambiguity that it can be read as "exhaling in acceptance" and a loud scream (which on a second read would be quite clear I think, combined with the title and the first verse). Also the fact that it's a somewhat old-fashioned 60's-70's cliché for me adds to the theme of nostalgia in the poem.
"And scream" feels too direct for me.What I still find problematic is the use of "all". Either statement "inhale all the air" and "let it all out" I feel is weakened quite a bit by removing "all", but both are weakenend somewhat because I use "all" twice. Not sure what to do here...
All best,
Jan