An outbreak in Kansas

[tectak]

[quote='Charlesjoseph' pid='148264' dateline='1385478640']
If you live in tornado ally, one quickly learns, No. If you live, YOU learn. If one lives, ONE learns. Don't mix.
storm sirens are not something one should take lightly, In fact, I would start again.Drop the"one" completely. It is pretentious.
So when the twister touched down in Greensburg,
Bobby and Joan were already hiding in the root cellar. See. There isn't one there's two

Childless, beneath the floorboards of their home,Childless? Your point is? Were they dogless? Goldfishless? What IS the connection to the subfloorboard situation. Every word MUST count for something.
with enough food and water to last them about a week,
they huddled in the damp dark and consoled each other,
while everything above ground perished in the wind. You have become non-poetic. Why? No rhythm, rhyme, meter...give me something. This is just narrative.

At dawn in the cruel silence of dead roosters and cattle,
those still alive assembled to mourn over ruble, Ah,those Russians. Anything for a buck...er...ruble. Czech before posting.
the town an atomized prairie desperate for emergency aid. dramatic overkill here

Nine months later, a miraculous boom of rainbows. Sure beats the shit out'a me. He gave her one, huh? Is that it? Needs more flesh. I have to think more than you wrote. Not good

You had only a breeze to play in. You never brewed up the storm. This is a thin effort. Sorry.
Best,
tectak

Hey tektack,
GOt you sir I'll take care if this and rework it.
Chazz

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[quote='milo' pid='148305' dateline='1385501677']

It might be a good idea to draw a picture of a tornado and forget the poem. Maybe draw a rainbow too.

*edit because this is in serious.

Who exactly would be the ally of a tornado? Green Arrow I suppose.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Tornado

Also, I find the gimmick of forcing a poem into a shape, almost always to the detriment of the actual poem (remember line breaks?) to be pretty distasteful but I guess that is just me.

Hey Milo,
I went back and fixed the spelling. I'll be much more careful in the future. I realize this poem needs help but i like the theme and I don't want to abandon it. If you have any advice it would be much appreciated.
Chazz

Good egg,
You may become famous for your editing....and there's nothing wrong with that
Best,
tectak