Misanthropy

[tectak]

Thank you very much Todd for your critique. It seems I have to work a lot harder before this piece is ready and it is certainly not as solid as I thought it was.

I thought the poem conformed to dactylic trimetre/quadrametre but when two different poets who make consistent use of metre don't hear it, I've clearly not developed the ability to hear it well. I'm going to do a tremendous overhaul for the next few days to see if I can make it better. I worry that I might just not be able to hear metre; I've studied it extensively since arriving, so I can't help but be horrified that it's not there.

To me it reads, with stress bolded,

Misanthropy Edit 1

There was a time I was once, he, a child.
Stumped and short limbs could not keep pace to eyes
wide with life , thoughtlessly thoughtful and wild;
running and clutching a world since demised.

Memories though, like soft sucker candies
stick to the roof of my mind and disjoint
leaving but rough-shod raw sores rubbed itchy.
He was the one who appreciated the true point.

When I was once he, a child I'd a Mother who loved
me very much and so doted a great sum of time
and her patience to the goal of teaching me above
all that I must always learn from the nursed subtle rhymes.

etc,...

Obviously, as it stands, the poem just isn't very good, or as Tectak stated, may be outright offensively bad. If I don't even understand a key compenent to metre though, I don't hold much chance in fixing it. Please, could someone show me where I've gone wrong here.

(The syntax will obviously be revised. I thought it added a cool narrative effect-- it did not:p)

OK.Lets find a way of showing where it goes wrong. How to put right later.
Begin by a simple syllable count. That is what I have done.

There was a time I was once, he, a child: 10
stumped and short limbs could not keep pace to eyes10
wide with life , thoughtlessly thoughtful and wild; 10
running and clutching a world since demised.10

Memories though, like soft sucker candies 10
stick to the roof of my mind and disjoint 10
leaving but rough-shod raw sores rubbed itchy.10
He was the one who appreciated the true point. 13

When I was once he, a child I'd a Mother who loved 13
me very much and so doted a great sum of time 13
and her patience to the goal of teaching me above 13
all that I must always learn from the nursed subtle rhymes. 13

And so began a habit I have since, myself, lost. 13
Whenever words appeared strange and unknown 10
it was required of him: with the dictionary, floss 12
knowledge's cavities, that new-born tongue might be honed.13

Then he, a child, would at once further press 10
daily to make use of this newly learned 10
word; just to taste for his buds to caress.10
Loved them all, words, and the way that he heard.10

He didn't get it, how could someone hate 10
him if never had they once talked to him. 10
Child, he was, scrubbing the filth off his plate 10
like the fool thinks he is singing a hymn 10

I get the word; I am misanthropy 10
I the Dickensian fall that lacked an ascent 11?
I the forewarned, the rotten, sugar me 10
I who ate him; he a child; he who once was innocent 13

Now you can see the variations in syllable count. With straight verse forms like the simplest iambic pentameter (dit dah dit dah dit dah dit da dit dah) you can easily relegate syllable count to the back of your mind. Make one up:
"If I compare you to a summer's day" you can get the idea BUT try this.
" If comparison to a summer's day" Same syllable count but the two lines are not congruent. You cannot lay one on top of the other and make the emphases line up.
Forget the iambs and trochees and anapests just hear the rhythm.
First line.
If I/com pare/ you to/ a sum/ mers day
2nd.
If/com par/is on/to a/sum mers/day. Reads as" If/ com par is on/ to a/ sum mers/ day"
Can you see the emphases difference?

What you have done, and done badly, is try to keep to 10 count syllabic lines but completely ignored the rhythm ( a much better ambition than meter).
Tap it out again.
Best,
tectak