Three Voices at a Burning

[heslopian]

1.
Witch,
your abundance is mine.
We'll sing together,
I of pious things,
confession and work,
waking on a Sunday
to a sweet country breeze;
you of holy pain.

You're sanctified, my dear.
The dog in his master's field
lays among the wheat
and looks, unknowing, at God.
He is no woman's imp.

2.
Ignore 'im, girl,
I'll kill ya' first, garotte ya' with me knots,
spare ya' the pain.
You'll be dead before ya' ashes, kid.

(Pretty little bitch,
shame she 'as to go, I'd sort 'er out,
she'd never 'urt me. No spells,
nun' o' this witchin' shit'.
She'd cook me a lam' and sit at me 'nee.)

3.
I REPENT! I REPENT!
OGODHEARMENOWIREPENT
PLEASEACCEPTMEPLEASEACCEPTME

(I don't regret that fuckin' pig
squirmin' on me floor;
poison his porridge, give 'im 'is drink...
I should'a jus' let 'im
die on the ale'ouse steps,
rottin' shirt o' vap'rous meat.)

GODIAMREPENTANTIAMASINNERIREPENT
GODILOVEYOUPLEASEACCEPTME
PLEASEACCEPTMEPLE-

[tectak]

1.
Witch,
your abundance is mine.
We'll sing together,
I of pious things,
confession and work,
waking on a Sunday
to a sweet country breeze;
you of holy pain.

You're sanctified, my dear.
The dog in his master's field
lays among the wheat
and looks, unknowing, at God.
He is no woman's imp.

2.
Ignore 'im, girl,
I'll kill ya' first, garotte ya' with me knots,
spare ya' the pain.
You'll be dead before ya' ashes, kid.

(Pretty little bitch,
shame she 'as to go, I'd sort 'er out,
she'd never 'urt me. No spells,
nun' o' this witchin' shit'.
She'd cook me a lam' and sit at me 'nee.)

3.
I REPENT! I REPENT!
OGODHEARMENOWIREPENT
PLEASEACCEPTMEPLEASEACCEPTME

(I don't regret that fuckin' pig
squirmin' on me floor;
poison his porridge, give 'im 'is drink...
I should'a jus' let 'im
die on the ale'ouse steps,
rottin' shirt o' vap'rous meat.)

GODIAMREPENTANTIAMASINNERIREPENT
GODILOVEYOUPLEASEACCEPTME
PLEASEACCEPTMEPLE-

Hi hes,
I was tempted to let this one languish. You have sacrificed cause for effect. The whole thing is a generic mish-mash. This is me not liking it one teeny bit. Others might. I can offer but one piece of useful crit...make it poetry.
Sorry, but you have gone all self-gratifying with this. There is nothing for me here. Shit happens.
Best,
tectak

[heslopian]

How can I make it poetry? Thank you for your honest feedback, tectak

[ChristopherSea]

Heslopian, I really like this idea of three distinct voices at a witch burning. I think the choices of the 'religious zealot', 'pervert' and 'murderer' are intriguing as well. I felt that the first one was the most successful. I may have ended it with the penultimate line ('at God') within that stanza. Where it goes a bit too far perhaps is with the next two utterings, where both are in strong dialects. Each one additionally makes use of parenthetical thought and both are killers. I do understand that neither could vocalize those streams of the mind, but maybe choose just one for that particular treatment and covey the other one's hidden agenda out loud in their spoken voice somehow. Some other ideas could be to raise the social status, and concomitant diction of the lecherous one (then you have only one strong dialect). He could go on about the waste of a good piece of ass, etc. The raving repentant dialog is too difficult to read. You could rewrite it thusly: O-GOD-HEAR-ME-NOW-I-REPENT or something along those lines. Some things to consider for your next edit. See what you think. Cheers/Chris

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind and honest feedback, ChristopherSea Your suggestions would make this one a little easier on the eye.

[tectak]

Thank you for your kind and honest feedback, ChristopherSea Your suggestions would make this one a little easier on the eye.

Wot Chris said.
Best,
tectsk