Misanthropy

[SirBrendan]

Thank you very much Todd for your critique. It seems I have to work a lot harder before this piece is ready and it is certainly not as solid as I thought it was.

I thought the poem conformed to dactylic trimetre/quadrametre but when two different poets who make consistent use of metre don't hear it, I've clearly not developed the ability to hear it well. I'm going to do a tremendous overhaul for the next few days to see if I can make it better. I worry that I might just not be able to hear metre; I've studied it extensively since arriving, so I can't help but be horrified that it's not there.

To me it reads, with stress bolded,

Misanthropy Edit 1

There was a time I was once, he, a child.
Stumped and short limbs could not keep pace to eyes
wide with life , thoughtlessly thoughtful and wild;
running and clutching a world since demised.

Memories though, like soft sucker candies
stick to the roof of my mind and disjoint
leaving but rough-shod raw sores rubbed itchy.
He was the one who appreciated the true point.

When I was once he, a child I'd a Mother who loved
me very much and so doted a great sum of time
and her patience to the goal of teaching me above
all that I must always learn from the nursed subtle rhymes.

etc,...

Obviously, as it stands, the poem just isn't very good, or as Tectak stated, may be outright offensively bad. If I don't even understand a key compenent to metre though, I don't hold much chance in fixing it. Please, could someone show me where I've gone wrong here.

(The syntax will obviously be revised. I thought it added a cool narrative effect-- it did not:p)