A stripping puppet (re-write)

[Todd]

Hi Keith,

A very drastic rewrite, but on the first few reads it seems to move you where you need to be. Some comments for you on the edit:

Edit 1 re-write
Thinner than the dress that used to fit,--This first line throws me a bit. The presumption for most people is that the dress would remain thinner, as they got fatter. It's details like that that sidetracked me into sickness in the last round. That said, it doesn't mean it needs to be cut just that I'm not connecting with it probably in the way you intend.
we make up so you can leave again,--Great observation, and characterization for the couple
bus ride into town a burned out clown,--This phrasing feels a bit choppy to me. Maybe, "bus ride to town for a burned out clown"
tumbles till the neon all shuts down.--Great extension of the clown image, implies drunkenness, and has good phrasing

I sit at home beat rhythms on my chair,--love the line for what it conveys about his mood
pretending to myself that I don’t care.
She’s all I have that’s worth the worn out floor,--this instead of the, maybe
a dog inside the porch behind her door. --Comparing himself to a dog is strong

Barstool boys that play you for the fool,--don't like "that"
drinking from a cup that makes you drool.--if you cut that above maybe change drinking to drink
The poet finds her muse to fill the page,
ink is splattered as he leaves the stage.--These last two lines feel a bit off to me for the setting

I sit cold as milk clinks in the street,--I don't like cold here, but I love the sound conveyed and the rest of the line
and guilt has ploughed a furrow for your feet,--love this phrasing
bereavement bleeds as keys drop on the side,
another night of chewed and swallowed pride.

This seems like a good forward step, Keith. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd