A stripping puppet (re-write)

[Keith]

On Friday nights the sherbet
centres make you fizz.
Saturday wakes wafer thin,
silver foil inside your filling.
Sunday hides your traffic light eyes
and I will bathe you in a dripping tap,
cleansing now has deeper purpose,
a faded duck floats on the surface.

Thinner than the dress that used to fit
you make up to leave again
falling into town a burned out clown
hanging round some young man’s
left begging by the kebab van.
Like that the city turns its back,
a fumbled custard pie has splat
the pavement echoes as it laughs.

Groped smears and muddy nylons
bumper car through our door.
Your headlights shine behind me,
bereaved by the moment once more.
Changing shades of back lit screens,
shape shift you on soft cushions,
and there I blanket my shame.
I sit cold as Monday comes,
but I’ll still love you just the same.

Hi keith,
I am not tempted to do a line by line on this...not because there are no problems but because what problems I see would be eradicated by more clarity of intent.
In fact, and I find this less often than I used to, it is an intent LINE BY LINE that I need.
Perhaps this reader is tired...or lazy...but I get decreasing pleasure from untangling words in order to get to the message...and I find this more irritating when I sense that there IS a message.(not always the case).
You string together some fine imagery but the glue that binds it all together is sticking to everything and causing an unholy tangle. Sorry, but your love for words is not enough here. Help me.

Like that the city turns its back, a fumbled custard pie has splat the pavement echoes as it laughs.....I mean, really?

Best,
tectak

I see it now as you describe it covered in glue thank you for letting me know, I will see if I can get the glue off. Best Keith

---

On Friday nights the sherbet
centres make you fizz.
Saturday wakes wafer thin,
silver foil inside your filling.
Sunday hides your traffic light eyes
and I will bathe you in a dripping tap,
cleansing now has deeper purpose,
a faded duck floats on the surface.

Thinner than the dress that used to fit
you make up to leave again
falling into town a burned out clown
hanging round some young man’s
left begging by the kebab van.
Like that the city turns its back,
a fumbled custard pie has splat
the pavement echoes as it laughs.

Groped smears and muddy nylons
bumper car through our door.
Your headlights shine behind me,
bereaved by the moment once more.
Changing shades of back lit screens,
shape shift you on soft cushions,
and there I blanket my shame.
I sit cold as Monday comes,
but I’ll still love you just the same.

Hey Keith! This piece is chock full of visual and verbal gymnastics. She sounds like one hell of a weekend warrior and party gal with a homebody as a boyfriend. I’m missing something in that title (She’s more like a ‘Crash Test Dummy’ to me, as she flies about). This poem reads faster than it absorbs, but I like it. I think your writing style of brevity and word conservation allows you to pack a great deal into a poem. The images herein are great. There may be some better punctuation and word choices. I’d trade the period for a semicolon on line 2. I’d make a full stop after tap and put a semicolon after purpose. The double use of ‘you’ after ‘fit’ and before ‘make up’ seems clever, but reads funny. A comma after ‘fit,’ fixes it for me. In fact, that whole sentence is a run-on, but I like the triple rhyme (quad with the slant). I would re-punctuate it thusly:

Thinner than the dress that used to fit,
you make up to leave again,
falling into town a burned out clown,
hanging round; some young man’s
left begging by the kebab van.

‘Like that the city’ is rather awkward. Something like ‘As if the city’ may fare better. I would put a comma after ‘splat’. I like bumper car as a verb and the bump-her-car entendre! ‘your headlights beam behind me’ would be more potent. ‘Changing shades’ seems off, ‘changing shadows of backlit screens’ might be better. See what you think of these ideas. Great poem! Cheers/Chris

Thank you for your considered comments and the punctuation tips Chris, I will take them all into the edit. Best Keith