Hobe Sound

[Truerenigma]

Oh. Ok, It was meant to speak symbolically of hopelessness and loss, but I see your point, it is a bit of a weakness. I had

Which are yours, and what are mine,

in L13 at one point, better or worse? Would the question posed by the break be a good pause, or just distracting?

That is all I think, L3 and the rest will take some thought.

I'm thankful for your help, and appreciate the praise.

I hadn't really intended to workshop this, but your flattery won me over ( I was hoping you'd like it, it was you who got me on this Italian kick, after all.)

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Really? Ihad it in present tense throughout originally, and have been wondering about that, it feels more immediate that way, but there's the suppose i said running through it, i suppose i was using the tense instead of punc.to separate the quotes. Also changed it to soften the sonics in L6 (I feared it was too much guilty pleasure, that the piano would brake into an incredulous song,.

Is it better like this?:



Suppose I said the colors do not blend
together like they did with you around --
there's too much grey, the way it boils down,
this ocean's unrealistic -- would you then
return, and guide these hands that paint the sand?

My fingers shake and bristles scrape the ground
beyond the palms, the fields, the church, the town.
I cut a jagged scar into the land.

You who could paint the music in the pines,
and birdsong in the skies, suppose I said
to you, this is impossible! The lines
left by the brush just chip away. Instead,
I wonder which are yours, and which are mine,
while I engrave the stone above your head.

As far as boils, I pronounce it with the schwa (quite noticeably, in fact), not the diaphong, and was thinking of whitewater in the wave breaks (very difficult to paint), but I suppose could look for something less unpredictable, and more solid, metrically speaking.

this is better. You should still address the double "which" but it isn't imperative. Also, you might want to use either a dash or quotes for "this is impossible" but once again, that is just a nit picky detail.

I have no problem with the meter or sonics of "boils down" I have a problem with the word choice. It, unlike most of your choices, doesn't point to your central metaphor and the voicing just feels wrong to me.

Is it a big deal? No, the tense change was a bigger deal and you addressed that, anything else is just refining.

Honestly, you may wish to just move it to serious and see what others have to offer, you could poetentially have a gem here. (I never tire of that one)

Ok, please do.