In Valyevo

[lucentwavering]

We’re in Valyevo
where the river’s low
and easy, where light
falls through shafts in trees
and widows ignite
the stove for coffee.

We slid here by train
(delayed) met with rain
at arrival. We’re
here for your grandma -
her cottage is near.
You’re here for baka.

This is the house where
she lives, stuffed with air
and cobwebs. You kiss
her photograph, make
the sign of the cross.
I can’t come in, take

that step through the door;
I don’t know your lore
of spirits, but you
show me the border,
the crossing words. True
Serb, you fetch water

for coffee, refuse
my help and abuse
my weakness for sweets,
drinks and cigarettes.
Soon, our laughter greets
the walls. We say: Let’s

live like her: hard work,
rakia to perk
our nights of friendly
gossip; conviction
in vigour, holy
faith, god’s salvation.

Language is not true.
Confined in here, you
and I pretend ‘til
the sun sets. Her bed
is made for sleep. We’ll
admit it: she’s dead.

[Todd]

Hi Lucent, I don't see a lot here that I don't like, which makes critiquing hard. Here goes:

We’re in Valyevo
where the river’s low
and easy, where light
falls through shafts in trees--feels like in and through should be reversed
and widows ignite--just gorgeous
the stove for coffee.

I love the tight slice of life phrasing. The sense of setting feels like it expresses the relationship. Everything conspires to help the couple. The sun makes coffee through the window, and like them the river is easy.

We slid here by train--slid is nice for its meandering light feel
(delayed) met with rain
at arrival. We’re--Not fond of this line break. I realize you're writing to a certain size line so I can deal with it
here for your grandma -
her cottage is near.
You’re here for baka.

This is the house where
she lives, stuffed with air
and cobwebs. You kiss--love stuffed air and cobwebs, gives a sense of something stale that needs to be aired out.
her photograph, make
the sign of the cross.
I can’t come in, take

that step through the door;
I don’t know your lore
of spirits, but you--this sign of the cross/lore of the spirits, and the next lines establish the couple and their differences well
show me the border,
the crossing words. True
Serb, you fetch water

for coffee, refuse
my help and abuse
my weakness for sweets,
drinks and cigarettes.--The cadence of this seems to really fit the easy relationship
Soon, our laughter greets
the walls. We say: Let’s

live like her: hard work,
rakia to perk
our nights of friendly
gossip; conviction
in vigour, holy
faith, god’s salvation.

Language is not true.
Confined in here, you
and I pretend ‘til
the sun sets. Her bed
is made for sleep. We’ll
admit it: she’s dead.--and that was surprising

I felt drawn into the scene and the relationship. There were moments where the line lengths felt a bit forced to me on the breaks, but I enjoyed the content so much I wrote it off as a style difference.

Not sure any of that helps, but enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[lucentwavering]

Thanks Todd! I appreciate the encouragement and advice. I was also considering doing a re-organisation of the lines to break away from the original syllabics.

[cidermaid]

Hi, I have to say that I really like this one to the point where I am finding it hard to offer anything constructive by way of crit. I will keep reading through (many times I'm sure) but will offer what I get as i make my next read through.

We’re in Valyevo Not sure i liked the use of we're as the first word, but feel you would loose the easy going / personal observational tone that i so enjoy if you changed this to something like "we arrived in..." it would be too blunt and at odds with the rest of the tone so beyond saying i'm not totally at one with we're ...i'm not really saying anything so i will shut up! (this is my problem with the whole poem I like it too much as it is to be really constructive).
where the river’s low
and easy, where light
falls through shafts in trees I particualrly like the reversal of the role of light and trees here, it is subtle and gives room to pause and think. Not sure if the sentence construction is quite there. I want it to be falls in shafts through trees. Might just be me being odd.
and widows ignite
the stove for coffee. ..and again with these two lines there is a subtleness of meaning. Combined the two images give me a wonderful half light, bleak yet beautiful scene of a timeless land that comes to mind

We slid here by train Love the use of slid to describe a rrival by train.It has a near perfect sound to fit the motion of the train slowing and then stopping
(delayed) met with rain Good detail by the referance to life issues
at arrival. We’re
here for your grandma -
her cottage is near.
You’re here for baka. I like the introduction and seperation of the two differing perspectives / agendas. Although i had to google baka - is this the spiritual joining meaning used here..originally I was thinking of the sweet nutty cake things but wrong country!? The spiritual introduction is nicely underplayed at this stage but set the stage for the ending in place and is appreciated more fully on susequent reads...which is just how i think a poem should be layered with meaning to be discovered - so nice

This is the house where
she lives, stuffed with air Not much help I seem to only be offering you a list of things i like...but i originally went back to the use of she lives (after the disclosure that she was dead), but then unpon understanding baka a spiritual state got this the second time round and now think good use of the story to play with the shifts of meaning.
and cobwebs. You kiss
her photograph, make
the sign of the cross.
I can’t come in, take nice details and not convinced about the line / stanza break point but get the fixed line form thing going on and don't dislike it enough to make more of it.

that step through the door; ...continuing my dislike of the line / stanza end, I'm not a fan of the pick up in this stanza. Both feel week as individual lines to me but I do like the progression and plot of the story development so the idea is a keeper for me.
I don’t know your lore
of spirits, but you
show me the border,
the crossing words. True
Serb, you fetch water I have no idea of the spiritual traditions but feel i have been allowed a peek into a new mystery and that the admisions of similar from the narator make me feel connected to the poem and it is strengthend as a read because of this..so kudos. I didn't like the last line end but think this works really well and the pick up in the next stanza

for coffee, refuse
my help and abuse
my weakness for sweets,
drinks and cigarettes.
Soon, our laughter greets
the walls. We say: Let’s For anyone who has been in this situation this will ring so true i feel. You have managed to capture a essense of "the moment" to make this globally relatable. Does the quote need to be in speach marks? I'm not sure so asking a question.

live like her: hard work,
rakia to perk
our nights of friendly
gossip; conviction
in vigour, holy
faith, god’s salvation. I enjoy the easy relational tone and the idea of being able to share in the experiance

Language is not true. The bluntness of this statment pulls me up short. I'm guessing that this was the intent, but it still seems at odds with the rest of the tone of the poem and the nextline returns to the conversational style of the rest of the poem. Just an observation.
Confined in here, you
and I pretend ‘til
the sun sets. Her bed
is made for sleep. We’ll
admit it: she’s dead. Great ending. it has crept up on the reader and is not unexpected but somehow is still a revelation and a surprise.

Not sure if i have offered you anything to be of any help. but just to say I thought this was a great read. Thoughly enjoyed this one. Cheers AJ.

[ellajam]

Lovely read. A few notes:

We’re in Valyevo
where the river’s low
and easy, where light
falls through shafts in trees the image appeared, but the words stuck, they don't make sense to me
and widows ignite
the stove for coffee.

We slid here by train
(delayed) met with rain
at arrival. We’re
here for your grandma -
her cottage is near.
You’re here for baka. I read through the unknown baka the first time, assuming it might be pastry , but then wiki tells me Japanese insult meaning idiot. It must mean something else, but I need an explanation

This is the house where
she lives, stuffed with air
and cobwebs. You kiss
her photograph, make
the sign of the cross. ah, she's gone
I can’t come in, take

that step through the door;
I don’t know your lore
of spirits, but you
show me the border,
the crossing words. True love this moment
Serb, you fetch water

for coffee, refuse
my help and abuse
my weakness for sweets,
drinks and cigarettes.
Soon, our laughter greets
the walls. We say: Let’s

live like her: hard work,
rakia to perk
our nights of friendly
gossip; conviction beautiful description of the old ways
in vigour, holy
faith, god’s salvation.

Language is not true.
Confined in here, you
and I pretend ‘til
the sun sets. Her bed
is made for sleep. We’ll
admit it: she’s dead.

Thanks for posting, I enjoyed this and plan to again.

[lucentwavering]

Thanks everyone for the kind words!
I think the fourth line of the first stanza will be changed to 'falls in shafts through trees'.
Also, baka is a Serbian word which means grandma, but in an intimate, colloquial sense. Technically, the word is 'baba', but this could also be a derogatory term for an old woman, and thus any actual Serbian grandma would be offended, or so I have been told. Not sure how to get out of this difficulty except to provide a note. I would also hesitate to change the line as the word is so pertinent in its context.
AJ, would the first line of the last sentence be somewhat more in the tone if it read 'Language isn't true'?
Much obliged for the help!