11-18-2013, 02:12 AM
Really? Ihad it in present tense throughout originally, and have been wondering about that, it feels more immediate that way, but there's the suppose i said running through it, i suppose i was using the tense instead of punc.to separate the quotes. Also changed it to soften the sonics in L6 (I feared it was too much guilty pleasure, that the piano would brake into an incredulous song,.
Is it better like this?:
Suppose I said the colors do not blend
together like they did with you around --
there's too much grey, the way it boils down,
this ocean's unrealistic -- would you then
return, and guide these hands that paint the sand?
My fingers shake and bristles scrape the ground
beyond the palms, the fields, the church, the town.
I cut a jagged scar into the land.
You who could paint the music in the pines,
and birdsong in the skies, suppose I said
to you, this is impossible! The lines
made by the brush just chip away. Instead,
I wonder which are yours, and which are mine,
while I engrave the stone above your head.
As far as boils, I pronounce it with the schwa (quite noticeably, in fact), not the diaphong, and was thinking of whitewater in the wave breaks (very difficult to paint), but I suppose could look for something less unpredictable, and more solid, metrically speaking.
Thank you.
Is it better like this?:
Suppose I said the colors do not blend
together like they did with you around --
there's too much grey, the way it boils down,
this ocean's unrealistic -- would you then
return, and guide these hands that paint the sand?
My fingers shake and bristles scrape the ground
beyond the palms, the fields, the church, the town.
I cut a jagged scar into the land.
You who could paint the music in the pines,
and birdsong in the skies, suppose I said
to you, this is impossible! The lines
made by the brush just chip away. Instead,
I wonder which are yours, and which are mine,
while I engrave the stone above your head.
As far as boils, I pronounce it with the schwa (quite noticeably, in fact), not the diaphong, and was thinking of whitewater in the wave breaks (very difficult to paint), but I suppose could look for something less unpredictable, and more solid, metrically speaking.
Thank you.