11-16-2013, 12:17 PM
Hey some quick notes here for you to consider.
- Graystar was right, you are using incomplete sentences; all sentences require a verb. In my personal opinion, rules of language do not need to be adhered to in a poem. However, if you abandon a rule, it must be effective, deliberate, and consistent. In other words, you have to choose to ignore the rule because it makes the poem better, not because you forgot about it. This poem does have complete sentences though, so choose on or the other. By the by, 'is' is a verb.
- When not using a specific scheme, reduction is the best way to make a poem better. Todd already mentioned the overuse of modifiers, but go further than that. Question each line and each word as to whether or not it adds to the poem for being there. Then do it again, and again, and again.
- I know this is going to sound awful, but there isn't enough hate in this poem. If you're going to write a poem for serial killers, I want to feel the serial killer. From here, I've derived the pleasure part of it, but dude, it takes a lot of hate to get off on hurting someone.
- The next critique seems to come up quite often: don't rhyme if you don't have a rhyme scheme. The moment you rhyme inconsistently the whole poem runs ragged for it. The scheme can be simple, ababab, or complicated abcddcba; it doesn't matter which but you have to have one or rhymes are essentially forbidden:p
Anyways, hope these little tidbits help you in your works.
- Graystar was right, you are using incomplete sentences; all sentences require a verb. In my personal opinion, rules of language do not need to be adhered to in a poem. However, if you abandon a rule, it must be effective, deliberate, and consistent. In other words, you have to choose to ignore the rule because it makes the poem better, not because you forgot about it. This poem does have complete sentences though, so choose on or the other. By the by, 'is' is a verb.
- When not using a specific scheme, reduction is the best way to make a poem better. Todd already mentioned the overuse of modifiers, but go further than that. Question each line and each word as to whether or not it adds to the poem for being there. Then do it again, and again, and again.
- I know this is going to sound awful, but there isn't enough hate in this poem. If you're going to write a poem for serial killers, I want to feel the serial killer. From here, I've derived the pleasure part of it, but dude, it takes a lot of hate to get off on hurting someone.
- The next critique seems to come up quite often: don't rhyme if you don't have a rhyme scheme. The moment you rhyme inconsistently the whole poem runs ragged for it. The scheme can be simple, ababab, or complicated abcddcba; it doesn't matter which but you have to have one or rhymes are essentially forbidden:p
Anyways, hope these little tidbits help you in your works.
If I could say only one thing before I die, it'd probably be,
"Please don't kill me"
"Please don't kill me"