The Play
The iron rich sting still strong in my mouth,
the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch.
Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,
franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.
As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,
Pupiles fully dialated, bloodied fists balled up tight,
Mentally taking notes of this beautifully horrific sight.
In disgust ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”
But I realize, in fact, this is just that, an act.
For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.
And in this play, this disgustingly magnifecent play.
I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,
But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.
For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.
So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my sanity intact.
But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,
the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.
Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood
Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on my tongue.
Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses. Sending lightning down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.
As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir
So I grab a near by hatchet and plunge it into her
The sight of that warm crimson nectar made me foam at the mouth
Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life, right here on my couch
In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.
Awaiting her last exhale, and eager to breath it in.
Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.
Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper
"did you enjoy your last first date?"
Hi Ryan,
I've seen this one before I think, though I don't recall if I'd commented on it.
Here's what I notice immediately, as a scene you may be able to get away with the amount of modifiers you have, but in a poem there are way too many. I think if you went through this and cut out half of the adjectives or adverbs you'd have a stronger piece. I don't dislike the piece just think that work needs to be done first if you want to make this an effective poem.
L1 for instance iron, rich, and metallic look to cut that down.
For your consideration,
Todd
(10-27-2013, 05:00 AM)Todd Wrote: [ -> ]Hi Ryan,
I've seen this one before I think, though I don't recall if I'd commented on it.
Here's what I notice immediately, as a scene you may be able to get away with the amount of modifiers you have, but in a poem there are way too many. I think if you went through this and cut out half of the adjectives or adverbs you'd have a stronger piece. I don't dislike the piece just think that work needs to be done first if you want to make this an effective poem.
L1 for instance iron, rich, and metallic look to cut that down.
For your consideration,
Todd
Thank you for your comments Todd. I may come off as dumb for asking this but when you say modifiers.... What exactly do you mean? And I agree I tend to draw things out a little to much. Less fat more meat..
Hi Ryan,
It's okay to ask, by modifiers I mean adjectives and adverbs words that modify the noun or verb.
The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,
So in this line you have multiple modifiers. It's possible iron-rich is only one and should be hyphenated. Usually when we over modify the truth is we haven't found the correct noun in the first place, or we aren't imagery in the place of modifiers.
Your analogy of less fat more meat is exactly what I was getting at.
(10-26-2013, 12:57 PM)Ryan_w_r Wrote: [ -> ]The Play
The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,
the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch.
This is not a sentence, there is no verb. I'm not good at getting verbs in either and I lack the knowledge to tell you why but I really think there is not a verb here.
Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,
franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.
I like this idea
As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,
taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,
focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.
Don't like rash/gash, it takes away
This horrific sight made me ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”
Then I realize that in fact, this is just that, an act.
For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.
And in this play, this disgustingly beautiful play.
I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,
But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.
creepy good reminds me of Dexter
For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.
So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my
sanity intact.
IMO these two/three lines need to be reworked. Many roles but one is constant and does this dude really have sanity?
But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,
the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.
Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood shouldn't it be another bit of blood, he's already tasted one
Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on
my tongue.
Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.
Sending lightning down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.
These two lines need to be combined. ....my senses and sending....
As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir
So I grab a near by steak knife and plunge it into her couldn't you have a more formable knife?
Twisting and turning the knife, I begin foaming at the mouth
Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life,
right here on my couch we already know she is on the couch
In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.
Awaiting her last exhale, and eager to breath it in.
Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.
Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper
"did you enjoy your last first date?"
The question made me laugh, it is great. May be a bit of maniac in me, lol.
I hope I get to read a new version! Thanks for the read.
I may have to write from a darker side of myself too now!
I read your poem several times on several visits to the forum. Yes, it's creepy dark but enjoyable to me too.
(11-15-2013, 05:47 PM)Graystar Wrote: [ -> ] (10-26-2013, 12:57 PM)Ryan_w_r Wrote: [ -> ]The Play
The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,
the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch.
This is not a sentence, there is no verb. I'm not good at getting verbs in either and I lack the knowledge to tell you why but I really think there is not a verb here.
Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,
franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.
I like this idea
As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,
taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,
focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.
Don't like rash/gash, it takes away
This horrific sight made me ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”
Then I realize that in fact, this is just that, an act.
For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.
And in this play, this disgustingly beautiful play.
I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,
But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.
creepy good reminds me of Dexter
For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.
So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my
sanity intact.
IMO these two/three lines need to be reworked. Many roles but one is constant and does this dude really have sanity?
But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,
the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.
Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood shouldn't it be another bit of blood, he's already tasted one
Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on
my tongue.
Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.
Sending lightning down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.
These two lines need to be combined. ....my senses and sending....
As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir
So I grab a near by steak knife and plunge it into her couldn't you have a more formable knife?
Twisting and turning the knife, I begin foaming at the mouth
Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life,
right here on my couch we already know she is on the couch
In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.
Awaiting her last exhale, and eager to breath it in.
Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.
Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper
"did you enjoy your last first date?"
The question made me laugh, it is great. May be a bit of maniac in me, lol.
I hope I get to read a new version! Thanks for the read.
I may have to write from a darker side of myself too now!
I read your poem several times on several visits to the forum. Yes, it's creepy dark but enjoyable to me too.
I edited this piece with your advise in mind. I really appreciate you taking time to read it and give me your feedback!!!
(11-15-2013, 03:22 AM)Todd Wrote: [ -> ]Hi Ryan,
It's okay to ask, by modifiers I mean adjectives and adverbs words that modify the noun or verb.
The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,
So in this line you have multiple modifiers. It's possible iron-rich is only one and should be hyphenated. Usually when we over modify the truth is we haven't found the correct noun in the first place, or we aren't imagery in the place of modifiers.
Your analogy of less fat more meat is exactly what I was getting at.
Thanks again for reading... I edited the poem with your comments in mind.
Hey some quick notes here for you to consider.
- Graystar was right, you are using incomplete sentences; all sentences require a verb. In my personal opinion, rules of language do not need to be adhered to in a poem. However, if you abandon a rule, it must be effective, deliberate, and consistent. In other words, you have to choose to ignore the rule because it makes the poem better, not because you forgot about it. This poem does have complete sentences though, so choose on or the other. By the by, 'is' is a verb.
- When not using a specific scheme, reduction is the best way to make a poem better. Todd already mentioned the overuse of modifiers, but go further than that. Question each line and each word as to whether or not it adds to the poem for being there. Then do it again, and again, and again.
- I know this is going to sound awful, but there isn't enough hate in this poem. If you're going to write a poem for serial killers, I want to feel the serial killer. From here, I've derived the pleasure part of it, but dude, it takes a lot of hate to get off on hurting someone.
- The next critique seems to come up quite often: don't rhyme if you don't have a rhyme scheme. The moment you rhyme inconsistently the whole poem runs ragged for it. The scheme can be simple, ababab, or complicated abcddcba; it doesn't matter which but you have to have one or rhymes are essentially forbidden:p
Anyways, hope these little tidbits help you in your works.
Well...you have some spelling issues with your revision. Magnificent, pupils and dilated. If you use Mozilla Firefox or Google Chrome, it comes with a spell check that works on every site you go to--very helpful.
As soon as you've committed to a rhyming poem, you really need to stick to a consistent meter. They just come hand in hand.
I also agree there isn't enough rage. I often write about being a murderer, even though I am far from one...maybe that would scare some people LOL.
at any rate, this still needs work. Keep at it.
mel/bena
PS I'll post one of mine just for you!