The play (dark subject matter) first edit

[Ryan_w_r]

The Play

The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,

the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch.
This is not a sentence, there is no verb. I'm not good at getting verbs in either and I lack the knowledge to tell you why but I really think there is not a verb here.
Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,

franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.
I like this idea
As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,

taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,

focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.
Don't like rash/gash, it takes away
This horrific sight made me ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”

Then I realize that in fact, this is just that, an act.

For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.

And in this play, this disgustingly beautiful play.

I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,

But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.
creepy good reminds me of Dexter
For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.

So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my

sanity intact.

IMO these two/three lines need to be reworked. Many roles but one is constant and does this dude really have sanity?

But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,

the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.

Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood shouldn't it be another bit of blood, he's already tasted one

Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on

my tongue.

Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.

Sending lightning down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.
These two lines need to be combined. ....my senses and sending....
As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir

So I grab a near by steak knife and plunge it into her couldn't you have a more formable knife?

Twisting and turning the knife, I begin foaming at the mouth

Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life,

right here on my couch we already know she is on the couch

In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.

Awaiting her last exhale, and eager to breath it in.

Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.

Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper

"did you enjoy your last first date?"

The question made me laugh, it is great. May be a bit of maniac in me, lol.



I hope I get to read a new version! Thanks for the read.
I may have to write from a darker side of myself too now!
I read your poem several times on several visits to the forum. Yes, it's creepy dark but enjoyable to me too.

I edited this piece with your advise in mind. I really appreciate you taking time to read it and give me your feedback!!!

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Hi Ryan,

It's okay to ask, by modifiers I mean adjectives and adverbs words that modify the noun or verb.

The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,

So in this line you have multiple modifiers. It's possible iron-rich is only one and should be hyphenated. Usually when we over modify the truth is we haven't found the correct noun in the first place, or we aren't imagery in the place of modifiers.

Your analogy of less fat more meat is exactly what I was getting at.

Thanks again for reading... I edited the poem with your comments in mind.