Unheard reverse edit 1. bena,keith

[Keith]

Tom sorry but I have to say the opening words reminds me of a song by it aint half hot mum with lofty singing it, I think it was called Whispering grass. Still that said, I enjoyed this a great deal. I was intrigued with how you used the repeats as a lead into subsequent stanza and thought it to be extremely effective. It is also a great poem to read out loud mostly because of the attention you give the meter and the internal rhymes (just happen? I think not)

Wind sings in whispered words that tell [b]Not sure about the use of wind, why so obvious why not she ?
of hissing grass and turning leaves; This gives her away
whilst all about the hum and drone
from hives of man, fills spaces where
her notes fall soft upon the air. I wandered off here, lost in these great lines
From silence comes a moving moan,
a long held breath that song relieves,

of hissing grass and turning leaves
that fall and fly in twisting air;
until the boughs refuse to sway
and naked, stark against flat sky,
no longer dance but winds defy. defy sounds forced and not sure you should use wind again here
So cold the blast, so short the day,
that no one ventures, no one dare.

Whilst all about the hum and drone,
persistent in the course of night,
makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear.
So hope to dream and you may hear
the song that sings in sleeping heads This would be the line to finish on for me
of whispered words ‘til dawning light. I would make this my third line, only a suggestion.

Tectak
Autumn 2013

Very much enjoyed as is,but hope the suggestions can help in some way. Best Keith