Unheard reverse edit 1. bena,keith

[tectak]

Wind sings in whispered words that tell
of hissing grass and turning leaves;
whilst all about the hum and drone
from hives of man, fills spaces where The metre seems rough to me here. There seems to be insufficient stress difference in "fills space/es where"
her notes fall soft upon the air.
From silence comes a moving moan,
a long held breath that song relieves,

of hissing grass and turning leaves To my limited understanding, following English grammar, this statement attaches itself after the comma to 'a long held breath' rather than the 'song relieves'. I take it this was not your intention. Maybe consider replacing the comma with a period in S1L8. Then you follow, 'A song of...' in S2L1'
that fall and fly in twisting air;
until the boughs refuse to sway
and naked, stark against flat sky, Again, for me there's a metre issue here in, 'flat sky'. This might just be an issue in accents though. 'the sky' could be an alternative
no longer dance but winds defy.
So cold the blast, so short the day,
that no one ventures, no one dare.

Whilst all about the hum and drone,
persistent in the course of night,
makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear. I'm not certain about having an interior rhyme here. It doesn't appear anywhere else in the poem, so it seems almost out of place in such a strict rhyme scheme, for me.
So hope to dream and you may hear
the song that sings in sleeping heads
of whispered words ‘til dawning light.

Tectak
Autumn 2013

So there is a really complicated rhyme scheme going on here which interested me enough to mark it down,
a b c d d c b/ b d e f f e d/ c g h i i h g

So I'm curious if this is some form of a pre-established order. Either way, it brings the poem nicely together. Also dig that the first three opening lines of the poem became almost a thesis statement for the next stanzas, lending the words again and again.

The poem is a fantastic construction and great image-- hope my critique helped

Hi Sirb,
your comments are well received. If I can begin at the end. The rhyme scheme IS strict, as is the meter but it is a matter of emphases more easily forged if read out loud. The difficulty with this sort of thing is that I get obsessively involved in everything at once! To make life easier I worked this one on strict syllable stomping, never a professional choice, so each line is strictly an eight count. I guess I hoped the accentual variations would not be problematical...obviously I am wrong!
Regarding the indicated sense brought by the comma I disagree...I must sometimes The "from silence comes a moving moan, XXXXXXXX, of hissing grass and turning leaves that fall and fly in twisting air." The XXXXXXXX could be anything..I think that I have stubbed my toe..because the link is "moving moan...of hissing grass". Yes?
Internal rhymes happen. I don't avoid them or espouse them. Ambivalent really...but still a point well made.
Thanks for all of this. I eat everything.
Best,
tectak