The play (dark subject matter) first edit

[Ryan_w_r]

Hi Ryan,

I've seen this one before I think, though I don't recall if I'd commented on it.


Here's what I notice immediately, as a scene you may be able to get away with the amount of modifiers you have, but in a poem there are way too many. I think if you went through this and cut out half of the adjectives or adverbs you'd have a stronger piece. I don't dislike the piece just think that work needs to be done first if you want to make this an effective poem.

L1 for instance iron, rich, and metallic look to cut that down.

For your consideration,

Todd

Thank you for your comments Todd. I may come off as dumb for asking this but when you say modifiers.... What exactly do you mean? And I agree I tend to draw things out a little to much. Less fat more meat..