Unheard reverse edit 1. bena,keith

[tectak]

Wind sings in whispered words that tell
of hissing grass and turning leaves;
whilst all about the hum and drone
from hives of man, fills spaces where
her notes fall soft upon the air.
From silence comes a moving moan,
a long held breath that song relieves,

of hissing grass and turning leaves
that fall and fly in twisting air;
until the boughs refuse to sway
and naked, stark against flat sky,
no longer dance but winds defy.
So cold the blast, so short the day,
that no one ventures, no one dare.

Whilst all about the hum and drone,
persistent in the course of night,
makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear.
So hope to dream and you may hear
the song that sings in sleeping heads
of whispered words ‘til dawning light.

Tectak
Autumn 2013

I hear it and it’s quite lovely! The repeats braid well into the poem and reinforce the twirling leaves. I am not too good at instantly recognizing forms, but this one fits your theme. You don’t need that comma after ‘man’ (do you?), use it to replace the semicolon after leaves. Your second line is rather lengthy. Nonetheless, it emphasizes ‘a long held breath’ for me. The last stanza adds an adorable thrill, making it child friendly/frightening. My favorite line:

makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear.

Nice Autumn nocturne within the final stanza. Watch those and’s and so’s my friend and master! You are getting a bit and-y & so-y, ha ha. You've have told me the same before. /Chris

Hi chris,
Petards! Yes the comma after man otherwise it is "man fills".
The rest is perfectly valid. I tried to the point of perception to rid the piece of ands and so's but that is all I ever ask of others!
How right you are on L2 but what to do? I will tackle it.
Thank you.
Best,
tectak