Whoosh (Edit 1)

[tectak]

Edit 1: more danger in S2? (Todd)

I love riding
the fast train,
eyes closed:
Neil Armstrong
on a horse.

Even better,
on the platform,
right on the edge,
close your eyes -
wait -

all Creation
crashing by!


Original:

I love riding
the fast train:
eyes closed,
Neil Armstrong
on a horse.

Even better,
to the tracks, closer
than you should -
all Creation
crashing by!

Excellent edit! I like the whole concept of this and you chose a title which could only add to the piece.
Short lines work well here. They are construct which leads to breathless prose!
This is terse-verse and it is therefore difficult to offer up huge and lengthy improvement. If I had to, though, I would suggest trying to develop a meter based upon stanza rather than line. This is not a new idea. If you write out each stanza as free-text then by tweaking, give it a rhythm based upon meter, you should then be able to re-lineate back to the original short-line form...without losing the internal pulse.
Or leave it alone
Best,
tectak