11-11-2013, 09:44 PM
Hi Jan,
It's a relatively short poem; so, I don't have a lot of comments for you.
Here goes: The title is great giving it a sense of moment is an inspired choice.
What's also a nice choice is the short lines. They also give the sense of movement. It would have been easy (and incorrect in my opinion) to make your first line: "I love riding the fast train" because it would have felt slow.
Neil Armstong on a horse also works. It gives the sense of blasting off, and feels a bit anachronistic (which I like).
Once we get to S2, I lose a bit of momentum. "to the tracks" feels a bit off to me, and closer than you should also doesn't really convey well to me. It could just be my read, but I get no sense of tension or danger, and I feel that's what you want. The last two lines I like a lot, and feel they aren't the issue here.
I'm not sure if any of that helps, but that was my initial read.
Best,
Todd
It's a relatively short poem; so, I don't have a lot of comments for you.
Here goes: The title is great giving it a sense of moment is an inspired choice.
What's also a nice choice is the short lines. They also give the sense of movement. It would have been easy (and incorrect in my opinion) to make your first line: "I love riding the fast train" because it would have felt slow.
Neil Armstong on a horse also works. It gives the sense of blasting off, and feels a bit anachronistic (which I like).
Once we get to S2, I lose a bit of momentum. "to the tracks" feels a bit off to me, and closer than you should also doesn't really convey well to me. It could just be my read, but I get no sense of tension or danger, and I feel that's what you want. The last two lines I like a lot, and feel they aren't the issue here.
I'm not sure if any of that helps, but that was my initial read.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson