11-09-2013, 11:59 PM
(11-09-2013, 05:39 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: As promised!
Emily/cloudy/Brendan edit 2 Thanks fellow poets!
My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
She ventures out
donning her richest furs,
assuming a mood of lavishness.
She saunters into the room,
alights upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
************
on all fours, she
stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me enthralled.
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
she leaves me mesmerized.
She knows that ancients had
worshipped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against me,
gliding smoother than silk
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,
beckoning my
caress.
|||||
||||
||||
|||
|||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
She ventures out
donning her richest furs,
adopting a mood of lavishness.
She saunters into the room,
alights upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
*** on all fours ***
she stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me in ecstasy.
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
she leaves me so hypnotized.
She knows that ancients had
worshipped her as a goddess.
Brushing her body against me,
feeling smoother than silk
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,
beckoning my
caress.
|||||
||||
||||
|||
|||
|||
|||
|||
||
||
||
|
|
(11-09-2013, 06:52 PM)SirBrendan Wrote: Hahaha, there is nothing about this I don't like. The super sexy lady turned cat, the words that form a cat, the shame of being aroused by a poem about a cat-- wonderful! I really enjoy the moment in the poem in which I start to wonder, "what type of women has topaz eyes".Thanks a heap Brendan for your read, the critique and catching that blatant typo! I believe spellcheck mutated mesmerized into memorized when I used an 'o' in place of the 'e'. I'll fix it right off and credit you. You have a good point about the title, although some might be too unimaginative to see the shape. Cheers!/Chris
Flow is solid as well. i only wonder about the line,
"she leaves me memorized"
I think you meant to place mesmerized, as that makes much more sense. I don't know if memorized was intentional though, a play on expectations, but if it was it didn't work for me and just sort of confused me.
Oh and definitely change the poem's title. Feline gives it away when the whole fun of the poem is in the reader not knowing it at first
(11-09-2013, 05:27 PM)justcloudy Wrote: Lol, definitely didn't recognize it. We only ever had farm cats, and I'm allergic, so maybe I'm partly to blame for that one. ;p
Anyway I like it. =]
The shape works better now too. But you forgot a full stop at the very end.
I got that period, thanks for the catch cloudy!
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris

