11-09-2013, 08:39 AM
Hi Emily,
There are some really nice images in here... staining tears, sand, "sting salty", car loaded up full... I like the pictures your words paint in my head. New England and grey. But for me a lot of the poem is at once too obvious and too obscure.
Obscurity: he's her dad, and he's not going with her where? To college? That's the only scenario I can think of. Unless it'd be to evacuate from a hurricane, but now I'm just grasping at straws. ;p And he doesn't love her enough for what? I'm confused. Or is only the beginning about the father and the "he" is someone else?
Too obvious: the quote in italics, it's not very poetic. Repeating it didn't help. Not a huge fan of "loving long and hard" but that's probably just me. There are 4 lines talking about sand; they could easily be condensed into 2 or 3.
I really like most of it, but what I don't like sticks out. Looking forward to an edit.
-justcloudy
There are some really nice images in here... staining tears, sand, "sting salty", car loaded up full... I like the pictures your words paint in my head. New England and grey. But for me a lot of the poem is at once too obvious and too obscure.
Obscurity: he's her dad, and he's not going with her where? To college? That's the only scenario I can think of. Unless it'd be to evacuate from a hurricane, but now I'm just grasping at straws. ;p And he doesn't love her enough for what? I'm confused. Or is only the beginning about the father and the "he" is someone else?
Too obvious: the quote in italics, it's not very poetic. Repeating it didn't help. Not a huge fan of "loving long and hard" but that's probably just me. There are 4 lines talking about sand; they could easily be condensed into 2 or 3.
I really like most of it, but what I don't like sticks out. Looking forward to an edit.
-justcloudy
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.