11-09-2013, 08:04 AM
Wow, I really like this poem. The extended metaphor of the cat as a woman is great. Just a few small things...
(11-09-2013, 05:39 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: As promised!
My
lady is a
connoisseur of comfort
and pampered luxury.
She ventures out
donning her richest furs,
adopting a mood of lavishness.
She saunters into the room,
alights upon my bed.
Lithe and seductive
*** on all fours ***
she stretches out in
a long elegant arc.
I draw my fingertips
from her lovely nape
down perfect contours
as she turns her head,
gazing at me in ecstasy.
In the dark, her eyes are
enchanting topaz lanterns;
she leaves me so hypnotized. I wouldn't put "so"... "She leaves me hypnotized" is better
She knows that ancients had
worshipped her as a goddess.Love this line.
Brushing her body against me,
feeling smoother than silk I know it's difficult with the shape you've created by the format of the poem, but I think "smoother than silk" is better than "feeling smoother than silk." More concise, more powerful.
she reclines into my lap
purring ever so softly,Again, I'd get rid of "so."
beckoning my
caress.
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"What I thought was an end turned out to be a middle.
What I thought was a brick wall turned out to be a tunnel."
--Tony Hoagland
"In this world where classification is key,
I want to erase the straight lines
So I can be me."
--Staceyann Chinn
What I thought was a brick wall turned out to be a tunnel."
--Tony Hoagland
"In this world where classification is key,
I want to erase the straight lines
So I can be me."
--Staceyann Chinn