11-09-2013, 05:18 AM
This is one of the cautionary tales based on true events that happened not far from here. I used to tell it sometimes to my young cousins around the campfire on those first cool October evenings.
It's called: Crisis
On his wedding night,
he realized his new wife
wasn't as chaste
as he'd hoped.
"My gynecologist accidentally broke me."
She told him.
"It's no big deal."
"No big deal?!" He shouted.
"I haven't touched a woman in 53 years,
my first wife was the ex-girlfriend of both
my older brother and his son,
you couldn't even wait till your 15th birthday?
I went all the way out there to the boondocks
to find a marriage-age so low.
And it seems I did it for nothing
now."
Some days later,
he came home from work, wondering out loud,
"Why does it burn so when I piss?"
He was too much in shock from a few other things
to accept what he already knew.
"Oh, that's probably just gonorrhea."
She said.
"I get it all the time."
"Gonor-damn-rhea?!"
"Yeah. It's nothing.
It's just like diarrhea, but comes out the other side.
You probably caught it from me, I've had it a lot lately."
He went outside,
mumbling to himself,
"What else does it say in your little diaryhea,
I wonder."
He drove for four days and four nights,
all the way back to her hometown,
and when he saw her father, he demanded,
"Why didn't you tell me she was such a slut?!"
After a few moments of shaking his head in confusion,
the man answered, "She's 15 years old, from a trailer court,
where her daddy lives with both her mama and her mama's
sister who could all the same have been her mama
if I hadn't seen the girl pop out of the other one myself.
I'm rightly sorry, son. An old man like you,
I expected knew as much about what kind of girl
she was."
Four days and four nights later,
he walked back in to find his young wife
naked on the couch making a video
of herself shoving what looked like
a comically over-sized billyclub so far
up her rear end, you could see it
poking through the skin of her stomach.
"Where you been?" She asked, sounding almost worried.
"I was so ascared,
I had to call your ex-stepson, Johnny, to come over and calm me down."
"Johnny, huh?" He said, burning with rage
and gonorrhea,
as he went to the bathroom
discharging four days and nights worth
of fire and ice.
"This is what we're going to do."
He told her, coming back into the living room.
"You're going to make me a list of all the boys and men
you've ever been with it.
You're going to start off with Johnny,
and work backwards."
"Oh dear." She exclaimed.
"I've been working it backwards with all the others but you.
I swear, you're the first that ever took me the husband way."
He sighed, and threw up in his mouth a bit.
"I wouldn't even let Daddy do that."
Those words were barely out of her mouth
before he was again out the door.
"A slut and a liar." He mumbled,
getting back in the car.
A devil appeared in his rearview mirror.
"In and out, in and out the front door of your own house,
eh, lover boy?" It said.
He swerved to the side of the road,
attempting to knock the mirror off on a mailbox,
but the mailbox just got knocked over
instead.
"Eh, buddy." The devil said.
"No more of that hanky-panky with roadside items,
all right?"
"Whatever you say, dammit. Just leave me alone."
"My name's not Dammit." The devil said.
"If you knew what was good for you,
you'd pay more attention to what I'm trying to show you."
He looked in the mirror, and saw
a car following him with its high beams on,
nearly blinding him.
It was a car he'd seen right after he'd turned onto the main highway.
He'd noticed it was driving with no lights,
and flashed his a few times to warn the driver.
Now that car's lights were burning down his neck
and it was coming on so fast he had to keep speeding up
so it wouldn't ram
into back of him.
"First you let them get your wife from behind,
now your worn-out automobile." Said the devil.
"What kind of man are you, anyways?"
"An old man. A tired man."
He moaned to himself.
Feeling hopeless, he swerved again,
this time to an awkward parking position
on the side of the road.
The other car slammed on breaks,
and,
of course,
started in reverse back towards him
and his car,
which he simply turned off,
taking out the keys and dropping them to the floorboard.
The devil vanished.
But not before whispering,
"It's your funeral."
The car stopped, a man got out,
motioned to roll the window down.
"Listen here now, pappy.
See, I seen you going round with a real nice
piece of tail.
Now, I believe you going to start this here car up,
and you're going to take me back to your place
and introduce me to your daughter."
"She's my wife."
"Well that's even better, pops.
Let's get going. I ain't got all night to be fooling round out here."
He got in the car. The keys were taken up,
stuck in, the ignition turned, the engine started,
they headed back to the house of ill repute.
After twenty minutes of standing out on the lawn
listening,
he watched the man walk out of the house
and drive away in his car.
Inside, there was blood,
a buttock on the couch, a knee near the tv,
two sets of four toes still attached to feet
on the kitchen table,
another buttock over by the microwave,
teeth looking as yellow as buttered popcorn here and there
along the floor.
The head was on the back of the toilet
next to an unopened box of Kleenex.
It was crying.
"I'll understand if you don't want me anymore, darling.
That man took me in the husband way. But I didn't
want it." She said.
A few minutes later he heard the car pull back into the driveway,
the man came back inside the house, saying,
"I don't know what I was thinking.
You could identify me."
Thirty minutes after that,
the two heads were setting next to each other
on the middle of the bed in their bedroom.
One of them with a sharpened Q-Tip through both its eyes.
"How many men you used your mouth on?"
He asked her.
"Just Johnny, and my gynecologist.
Why you want to know, dear?
And sometimes Daddy would smear my baby food on his . . . "
"No reason, I guess!"
Leaving the house,
the man had left the radio on the bedstand playing.
It was an old song the one head had always liked
but hadn't heard in a long while,
so he sang along with it:
Well that's all right
that's all right!
That's all right now Mama
anyway you do!
It's called: Crisis
On his wedding night,
he realized his new wife
wasn't as chaste
as he'd hoped.
"My gynecologist accidentally broke me."
She told him.
"It's no big deal."
"No big deal?!" He shouted.
"I haven't touched a woman in 53 years,
my first wife was the ex-girlfriend of both
my older brother and his son,
you couldn't even wait till your 15th birthday?
I went all the way out there to the boondocks
to find a marriage-age so low.
And it seems I did it for nothing
now."
Some days later,
he came home from work, wondering out loud,
"Why does it burn so when I piss?"
He was too much in shock from a few other things
to accept what he already knew.
"Oh, that's probably just gonorrhea."
She said.
"I get it all the time."
"Gonor-damn-rhea?!"
"Yeah. It's nothing.
It's just like diarrhea, but comes out the other side.
You probably caught it from me, I've had it a lot lately."
He went outside,
mumbling to himself,
"What else does it say in your little diaryhea,
I wonder."
He drove for four days and four nights,
all the way back to her hometown,
and when he saw her father, he demanded,
"Why didn't you tell me she was such a slut?!"
After a few moments of shaking his head in confusion,
the man answered, "She's 15 years old, from a trailer court,
where her daddy lives with both her mama and her mama's
sister who could all the same have been her mama
if I hadn't seen the girl pop out of the other one myself.
I'm rightly sorry, son. An old man like you,
I expected knew as much about what kind of girl
she was."
Four days and four nights later,
he walked back in to find his young wife
naked on the couch making a video
of herself shoving what looked like
a comically over-sized billyclub so far
up her rear end, you could see it
poking through the skin of her stomach.
"Where you been?" She asked, sounding almost worried.
"I was so ascared,
I had to call your ex-stepson, Johnny, to come over and calm me down."
"Johnny, huh?" He said, burning with rage
and gonorrhea,
as he went to the bathroom
discharging four days and nights worth
of fire and ice.
"This is what we're going to do."
He told her, coming back into the living room.
"You're going to make me a list of all the boys and men
you've ever been with it.
You're going to start off with Johnny,
and work backwards."
"Oh dear." She exclaimed.
"I've been working it backwards with all the others but you.
I swear, you're the first that ever took me the husband way."
He sighed, and threw up in his mouth a bit.
"I wouldn't even let Daddy do that."
Those words were barely out of her mouth
before he was again out the door.
"A slut and a liar." He mumbled,
getting back in the car.
A devil appeared in his rearview mirror.
"In and out, in and out the front door of your own house,
eh, lover boy?" It said.
He swerved to the side of the road,
attempting to knock the mirror off on a mailbox,
but the mailbox just got knocked over
instead.
"Eh, buddy." The devil said.
"No more of that hanky-panky with roadside items,
all right?"
"Whatever you say, dammit. Just leave me alone."
"My name's not Dammit." The devil said.
"If you knew what was good for you,
you'd pay more attention to what I'm trying to show you."
He looked in the mirror, and saw
a car following him with its high beams on,
nearly blinding him.
It was a car he'd seen right after he'd turned onto the main highway.
He'd noticed it was driving with no lights,
and flashed his a few times to warn the driver.
Now that car's lights were burning down his neck
and it was coming on so fast he had to keep speeding up
so it wouldn't ram
into back of him.
"First you let them get your wife from behind,
now your worn-out automobile." Said the devil.
"What kind of man are you, anyways?"
"An old man. A tired man."
He moaned to himself.
Feeling hopeless, he swerved again,
this time to an awkward parking position
on the side of the road.
The other car slammed on breaks,
and,
of course,
started in reverse back towards him
and his car,
which he simply turned off,
taking out the keys and dropping them to the floorboard.
The devil vanished.
But not before whispering,
"It's your funeral."
The car stopped, a man got out,
motioned to roll the window down.
"Listen here now, pappy.
See, I seen you going round with a real nice
piece of tail.
Now, I believe you going to start this here car up,
and you're going to take me back to your place
and introduce me to your daughter."
"She's my wife."
"Well that's even better, pops.
Let's get going. I ain't got all night to be fooling round out here."
He got in the car. The keys were taken up,
stuck in, the ignition turned, the engine started,
they headed back to the house of ill repute.
After twenty minutes of standing out on the lawn
listening,
he watched the man walk out of the house
and drive away in his car.
Inside, there was blood,
a buttock on the couch, a knee near the tv,
two sets of four toes still attached to feet
on the kitchen table,
another buttock over by the microwave,
teeth looking as yellow as buttered popcorn here and there
along the floor.
The head was on the back of the toilet
next to an unopened box of Kleenex.
It was crying.
"I'll understand if you don't want me anymore, darling.
That man took me in the husband way. But I didn't
want it." She said.
A few minutes later he heard the car pull back into the driveway,
the man came back inside the house, saying,
"I don't know what I was thinking.
You could identify me."
Thirty minutes after that,
the two heads were setting next to each other
on the middle of the bed in their bedroom.
One of them with a sharpened Q-Tip through both its eyes.
"How many men you used your mouth on?"
He asked her.
"Just Johnny, and my gynecologist.
Why you want to know, dear?
And sometimes Daddy would smear my baby food on his . . . "
"No reason, I guess!"
Leaving the house,
the man had left the radio on the bedstand playing.
It was an old song the one head had always liked
but hadn't heard in a long while,
so he sang along with it:
Well that's all right
that's all right!
That's all right now Mama
anyway you do!