11-07-2013, 10:44 AM
I disagree whole heartedly. This is superb to me. There are however two ideas you could work with. The first regarding your closing line: 'I have been made mad". This doesn't work with the rest of the poem-- you were so close. I would swap in: I have been made, man. Far stronger words and fits with what is being said far more.
The second piece is not so much a revision, as a total overhaul. The idea and words are too good for a naked free form: melt it down and make a sword out of this bad boy. I would love love love to see a full blown poem come out of this, with metre and structure. I think a stretched free verse would be love. That's not so much a critique though, as an idea.
My critique is only the first one, and a big thank you for this read.
The second piece is not so much a revision, as a total overhaul. The idea and words are too good for a naked free form: melt it down and make a sword out of this bad boy. I would love love love to see a full blown poem come out of this, with metre and structure. I think a stretched free verse would be love. That's not so much a critique though, as an idea.
My critique is only the first one, and a big thank you for this read.
If I could say only one thing before I die, it'd probably be,
"Please don't kill me"
"Please don't kill me"