11-03-2013, 12:28 PM
(06-12-2013, 04:07 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: Round wooden barrel with a fifth of rain water, still.I like the idea of the mostly-drained barrel, but agree with Malu and Jacob that the focus on unnecessary description detracts from it. There's so much sentiment hinted at in the tender descriptions of the home, the surroundings and in the now-barren ground, but much of this is lost in attempts at rhyme or through excess trivial descriptions.
Gravel litters the space below, Not a bit of grass has grown.
To the left, pine it must be, a home built with time
Oaks and fellow maples cast a shadow around the small abode.
The birds fly through the sky singing a melody quite known,
Heat is compounding over surfaces as if seen by the eye. Slightly confusing, to me. The link here seems vague and conjures no real sensory indication of the heat you describe.
It must be ninety, very well could be the day the ground is
broken only if the wind will blow. So, so very captivating, but the context is lost/absent to the point where I'm inclined to come away more quizzical than moved.
The final line kills me.
We're introduced to a beloved home, surrounded by nature but yet scorched by the heat to the point where nothing really feels alive within the text except the familiar sound of birds in the sky. The trees and house (even the still water) are locked in time, and nothing is growing or changing, but yet-... But yet-...! The final line leaves a promise of some change, I think, as it reads for me.
All in all, a really lovely piece, but I find it heavily obscured by the aforementioned difficulties. I'd personally love to see you try to flesh it out with the tiniest bit more emotive and (informative) descriptive language, just to clarify the hints at mood already present and tie up some of the more confusing loose strings others have mentioned. Hope this helps in some way! ^_^