Primal

[jdvanwijk]

Thanks, that's great advice and I will work on that. (I think some of the problems come from the fact that I'm not a native speaker, for example, in Dutch we do say "on every horizon", and we can sometimes get away with singular/plural disagreement... but that's what this forum is for of course. )

Hello Milo,

Thank you for your thorough feedback! A lot of things for me to consider. I'll try to explain some of things I intended, I'm curious if you would have any ideas to get these points across better?

I like the simile of coming to someone like Jesus from the cave though it is a little muddled here. A need to scream came to you like Jesus from the cave?

The first problem, is that it assumes that Jesus came to the narrator, but we know that is not true. The second is, it is tough to know what you are trying to say about the need to scream - is it pious? Is it brotherly? Is it preordained?

Jesus from the cave for me stands for resurrection and revelation; the narrator's internal "caveman" has been suddenly resurrected here. I was trying to contrast the pious with the primal, or to be playfully blasphemous if you will. The need to scream doesn't have a concrete "reason" here: have you never felt the sudden urge to scream as loud as possible for no concrete reason at all? Not being allowed to do so can feel very restrictive.

I actually wrote a whole series of poems on primal scream therapy which fascinated me for some time. What my comments are trying to point out is that you are responsible for even the nuances included in your writing if you allow for vagaries. I am being playful about it but the truth is, good poetry communicates on several levels and if you are accidentally including double meanings or you are not locking down your meanings, you are not in control of the language. you might need a modifier. You have chose words (Jesus, Sunday morning, revelations) which deliberately point to a spiritual wakening of sorts, but not only is this unintended, it is a red herring. The choices - either use it and develop it or find a way to eliminate it.
I actually know what you mean here, but it isn't what your words say. You need to find words that say that. What you are saying literally is your scream has to be greater than the clubbing itself. I do like both the sonics and the implied violence of the phrasing. A lot of religious folk don't attend church every Sunday anymore, just the holidays, but they are still believers. A non-religious person wouldn't use so many religioius references in a short poem

Here we have a several problems. You have the cliche The first line?

brain "kicked in" is a cliche, there is no literal kicking going on, correct?

, of course and then you have a grammatical singular = plural disagreement. I think this is OK though, I was pointing to the "concept" neighbours in general. My intention was to make the narrator sound a bit pedantic, contrasted with the throw-away last line.

If you want the concept of neighbors than you still have a grammar error, you would need "is"

"suffering from revelation" is interesting. You have established an interesting intimacy with your neighbors here as well.

Your list of items 'outside' may not be that effective, especially as I assume your N is inside (otherwise you wouldn't mention outside) so why is he suddenly concerned with the modern affirmations outside? Why is this better than "a fridge, a toaster, a microwave, a dishwasher"? My intention was that he was trying to think of places where he could scream, but every place he can think of has the same restrictions.

all well and good, but while screaming to wake neighbors is undesirable, who cares if you wake a light, a car, a park, etc.? It might be interesting to tie back the scream to a need to escape from our all-essential but ever present present, but it is tough to say without seeing it first.

I like the idea of modernity guarding the horizons, but really? /every/ horizon? How many horizons are in N's 6 dimensional world anyway? Well, if you view a mere car as a "guard of modernity" like the narrator does, then yes, there's no escape. At least in this flat, cramped, beloved country I call home, The Netherlands.

As far as I know, there is only 1 horizon, certainly only one viewable at any time, even in the Netherlands.

thanks for posting.