Break dawn, break light.

[Euan]

If I could get some critique on this, I'd appreciate it.
Do your thing, as you do it so well.

- Break dawn, break light (Considering title change)

He dies
again and again

Playing out; set on repeat
phases fade through
bleak,
lost to an overcast sky.
Mist settles above the stillness
and lisps the water's edge.
Its harmony gracing
the ever dull,
moon lit sands.

I thought I'd escape
just for a little while.
Drink
and sing
to drown him out.

Not here,
no.
Here, it is worse.
The screams are louder.

I remember her jagged edge,
rigid
and cruel.
Twisting into her
forced attempt to comfort
Hardly eager,
to pierce shredded skin again.

Her,
were she to kiss me again,
to have another taste
without doubt, she'd bleed me dry.

Here, lisps cusp.
Sent, hovering
a mirage;
no longer still,
lightly placed to the sand.

Break dawn,
I too, fade.

[billy]

hi Euan.

near the end there's a hint of vampire but i'm not really sure. it's wordy in places and a bit telly. cut away the wordy part and replace with solid images or narrative. phrases like It's harmony gracing the ever dull....
it's rolling breasts
caressing dull grains of sand (an example, not a rewrite)
give the reader some clarity, lisps cusp has some unusual sounds going on
but left me thinking...what's just been said?

i can't say enough (thin the wordiness out)
hope it helps.

If I could get some critique on this, I'd appreciate it.
Do your thing, as you do it so well.

- Break dawn, break light (Considering title change) at present the connection of title and poem is tenuous, so i agree with a change.

He dies
again and again wouldn't
He dies
again adds a bit more than the repetition does? the next lines explains it's a recurring theme

Playing out; set on repeat
phases fade through
bleak,
lost to an overcast sky.
Mist settles above the stillness
and lisps the water's edge. lips or laps, isn't lisp a speech impediment?
Its harmony gracing [harmony gracing] feels weak as the the the next line
the ever dull, so it's [dull] then?
moon lit sands. overall i think the stanza is a bit wordy, needs stronger images


I thought I'd escape
just for a little while.
Drink
and sing
to drown him out. i like this stanza but can't see what it relates to. who is he drowning out,

Not here,
no.
Here, it is worse.
The screams are louder.

I remember her jagged edge,
rigid
and cruel.
Twisting into her
forced attempt to comfort
Hardly eager,
to pierce shredded skin again.

Her,
were she to kiss me again,
to have another taste
without doubt, she'd bleed me dry.

Here, lisps cusp.
Sent, hovering
a mirage;
no longer still,
lightly placed to the sand.

Break dawn,
I too, fade.

[Euan]

Thank you Billy, it's been a crash course in writing since I started last year. Aha

[Truerenigma]

If I could get some critique on this, I'd appreciate it.
Do your thing, as you do it so well.

- Break dawn, break light (Considering title change)

He dies
again and again

Playing out; set on repeat
phases fade through
bleak,
lost to an overcast sky.
Mist settles above the stillness
and lisps the water's edge.
Its harmony gracing
the ever dull,
moon lit sands.

I thought I'd escape
just for a little while.
Drink
and sing
to drown him out.

Not here,
no.
Here, it is worse.
The screams are louder.

I remember her jagged edge,
rigid
and cruel.
Twisting into her
forced attempt to comfort
Hardly eager,
to pierce shredded skin again.

Her,
were she to kiss me again,
to have another taste
without doubt, she'd bleed me dry.

Here, lisps cusp.
Sent, hovering
a mirage;
no longer still,
lightly placed to the sand.

Break dawn,
I too, fade.

Hello, I don't have time to wade through all of this. There are numerous problems with the punctuation; in some areas you have too much, and in others not enough.

I don't see much here for the reader. It is melodramatic, abstract prose. Work on your imagery, and try to find concrete images. The "phases fading through bleak" abstraction was probably the worst part for me.

[bena]

Since this is posted in Serious, I'm going to give it a serious crit, which may seem a bit harsh at times, but please be aware that it is not personal.


- Break dawn, break light (Considering title change)

He dies
again and again

Playing out; set on repeat
phases fade through
bleak,
lost to an overcast sky.
Mist settles above the stillness
and lisps the water's edge.
Its harmony gracing
the ever dull,
moon<-> lit sands.

I thought I'd escape
just for a little while.
Drink
and sing
to drown him out.

Not here,
no.
Here, it is worse.
The screams are louder.

I remember her jagged edge,
rigid
and cruel.
Twisting into her
forced attempt to comfort
Hardly eager,
to pierce shredded skin again.
Her,
were she to kiss me again,
to have another taste
without doubt, she'd bleed me dry.

Here, lisps cusp.
Sent, hovering
a mirage;
no longer still,
lightly placed to the sand.

Break dawn,
I too, fade.[/b]


You do have some nice imagery in this piece, but the ambiguity factor is way too overwhelming. I'm not quite sure how to tell you to revise, other than give the audience more hints as to what was happening in your mind as you wrote it. I am left wishing I knew what was going on.

Good luck,

mel.