Primal

[jdvanwijk]

Hello Milo,

Thank you for your thorough feedback! A lot of things for me to consider. I'll try to explain some of things I intended, I'm curious if you would have any ideas how to get these points across better?

Sunday morning after breakfast,
it came to me like Jesus
from the cave: I must scream,
a cry to rival my dear ancestors
clubbing their dinner to death.

I like the simile of coming to someone like Jesus from the cave though it is a little muddled here. A need to scream came to you like Jesus from the cave?

The first problem, is that it assumes that Jesus came to the narrator, but we know that is not true. The second is, it is tough to know what you are trying to say about the need to scream - is it pious? Is it brotherly? Is it preordained? Jesus from the cave for me stands for resurrection and revelation; the narrator's internal "caveman" has been suddenly resurrected here. I was trying to contrast the pious with the primal, or to be playfully blasphemous if you will. The need to scream doesn't have a concrete "reason" here: have you never felt the sudden urge to scream as loud as possible for no concrete reason at all? Not being allowed to do so can feel very confining; the Bane of Modern Man.

The second comparison has the same problem with muddled meaning - You compare a scream as somehow greater than someone clubbing their dinner to death. What I meant here was greater than the cry a caveman would utter when he clobbers his prey to death, which would probably already sound something like HWAAAARGHHH!!

It is tough to know what quality this adds to the scream. I don't think "dear" here adds anything. What I do like is the economy of language. You have managed to say several things without saying them, although I question whether it is all intended. Your N is religious but a modern "scientific amalgam" religious." That wasn't what I intended; if he was, why isn't he in church on this Sunday morning?

I took a deep breath;
that's when my brain kicked in.
Neighbours are a dreadful thing
when you're suffering from revelation,
especially when they sleep late.

Here we have a several problems. You have the cliche The first two lines? Agreed, could be more original., of course and then you have a grammatical singular = plural disagreement. I think this is OK though, I was pointing to the "concept" neighbours in general. My intention was to make the narrator sound a bit pedantic, contrasted with the throw-away last line. "suffering from revelation" is interesting. You have established an intersting intimacy with your neighbors here as well.

Outside - the houses, the streets,
the cars, the parks,
the hedges, the lights:
on every horizon a guard
chaining us to modern times.

Your list of items 'outside' may not be that effective, especially as I assume your N is inside (otherwise you wouldn't mention outside) so why is he suddenly concerned with the modern affirmations outside? Why is this beeter than "a fridge, a toaster, a microwave, a dishwasher"? My intention was that he was trying to think of other places where he could scream, but every place he can think of has the same restrictions; every place carries reminders of "modern times".

I like the idea of modernity guarding the horizons, but really? /every/ horizon? How many horizons are in N's 6 dimensional world anyway? Well, when you view a mere car or hedge as a "guard of modernity" like the narrator does, then yes, there's no escape. At least in this flat, cramped, beloved country I call home, The Netherlands.

thanks for posting.