Primal

[milo]

Sunday morning after breakfast,
it came to me like Jesus
from the cave: I must scream,
a cry to rival my dear ancestors
clubbing their dinner to death.

I like the simile of coming to someone like Jesus from the cave though it is a little muddled here. A need to scream came to you like Jesus from the cave? The first problem, is that it assumes that Jesus came to the narrator, but we know that is not true. The second is, it is tough to know what you are trying to say about the need to scream - is it pious? Is it brotherly? Is it preordained? The second comparison has the same problem with muddled meaning - You compare a scream as somehow greater than someone clubbing their dinner to death. It is tough to know what quality this adds to the scream. I don't think "dear" here adds anything. What I do like is the economy of language. You have managed to say several things without saying them, although I question whether it is all intended. Your N is religious but a modern "scientific amalgam" religious."

I took a deep breath;
that's when my brain kicked in.
Neighbours are a dreadful thing
when you're suffering from revelation,
especially when they sleep late.

Here we have a several problems. You have the cliche, of course and then you have a grammatical singular = plural disagreement. "suffering from revelation" is interesting. You have established an intersting intimacy with your neighbors here as well.

Outside - the houses, the streets,
the cars, the parks,
the hedges, the lights:
on every horizon a guard
chaining us to modern times.

Your list of items 'outside' may not be that effective, especially as I assume your N is inside (otherwise you wouldn't mention outside) so why is he suddenly concerned with the modern affirmations outside? Why is this beeter than "a fridge, a toaster, a microwave, a dishwasher"?

I like the idea of modernity guarding the horizons, but really? /every/ horizon? How many horizons are in N's 6 dimensional world anyway?

thanks for posting.