11-01-2013, 01:46 PM
Along with the other posters, I like that you captured a moment in time. I find those "moments" relaxing to read about, particularly in this one how you referenced "rain water" and "pine." It gives me the feeling of those wonderful, silent moments just after a rainstorm.
I was confused by the line "a home built with time," though. When poets reference something being done "with time" it tends to conjure an image of some slow, natural process. A rock being eroded with time, a forest growing with time, etc. The use of a home being built with time seems...unnatural to me and it makes me wonder if you were just looking for a rhyme.
I was confused by the line "a home built with time," though. When poets reference something being done "with time" it tends to conjure an image of some slow, natural process. A rock being eroded with time, a forest growing with time, etc. The use of a home being built with time seems...unnatural to me and it makes me wonder if you were just looking for a rhyme.