June
#4
(06-12-2013, 04:07 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote:  Round wooden barrel with a fifth of rain water, still. A 5th? Giving a quantitative amount prompts me to consider the actual size of the barrel, perhaps lose the "5th" and think of how to convey half empty/half full differently.
Gravel litters the space below, Not a bit of grass has grown. What is the space below? I'm seeing a gravel driveway and not sure if I should
To the left, pine it must be, a home built with time
Oaks and fellow maples cast a shadow around the small abode.
The birds fly through the sky singing a melody quite known,
Heat is compounding over surfaces as if seen by the eye.
It must be ninety, very well could be the day the ground is
broken only if the wind will blow.

I like this poem a lot, as was said by another poster-it's a passage of a moment- a feeling of silence aside from bird songs in a familiar space, and it seems, a topic you've thought on or felt for some time. You are giving an observational account of what comes to mind in a place, and from your title, "June", at the beginning of summer. As a reader I have a hard time finding the importance of describing such images; these images would seem trivial without the title. I'm not saying you need to have emotion because poetry isn't all about describing a feeling and such. It's just that right now the narrative is purely an observational eye. I like how you describe the water as "still" to signify that the air is still as well, a motif that is brought out again in the last line.
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Messages In This Thread
June - by R.C. KITCHENS - 06-12-2013, 04:07 PM
RE: June - by Malu - 10-18-2013, 09:13 AM
RE: June - by Legoloofa - 10-31-2013, 02:48 PM
RE: June - by Jacob - 11-01-2013, 04:15 AM
RE: June - by cessa - 11-01-2013, 01:46 PM
RE: June - by Error - 11-03-2013, 12:28 PM
RE: June - by tectak - 11-03-2013, 05:18 PM
RE: June - by FayandFire - 11-03-2013, 11:30 PM



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