I Killed Myself Yesterday

[Volaticus]

Version Two

I couldn't feel the deep impact,
Writing in red with ease.
Sticking my little finger tips,
Bringing out the knife.

Carving words on my arm,
Looking to strain a vein.
Thrusting in over again...
Humming my last tune.

But today I woke up again,
Reading the words with disgust.
But I woke up from yesterday,
And for my last regret;
I was alive.

~Orion

Hi Orion,

Lines 2-8 all start with an -ing word. And then again in L 10. For me, it made the poem very list-like and monotone. Because of the content and the sense of repetition in the narrator's actions, I do see how monotony could have its place in this poem, it just didn't quite work for me as it is now. Too many -ings.

You have different tenses in the first sentence. "Couldn't" (past) and writing (present). I would suggest "can't" instead of "couldn't". I have the same issue with the last stanza. The first sentence has "woke up" (past) followed by "reading" (present). Maybe change it to "read". To my ear, it reads better that way. I could be wrong of course.

I don't think you need the two "but"s in the last stanza.

Just some thoughts and JMHO that you can consider or disregard as you wish.

Best,
LB