10-28-2013, 08:07 PM
Okay, your closing line is superb, so congratulations. The second to last stanza is solid, only I wonder why your love is grey. Since the water you cupped was the metaphorical love, it doesn't make sense as water is not grey but instead colourless in small quantities or blue in large. I know it seems silly, but it takes me out of the poem and makes me wonder why the hell your love is grey when I should be wondering about the child with the empty hands (a great image).
I also appreciate that this is definitely free form, but I think it could benefit from some tightening on line structure or, if you're feeling bold, some minor revisions to make the meter/phrasing flow more smoothly. An example would be:
"My love is like a lake mama,
rejecting the fragile constructs of the solid world,
deep and clear and able to form any shape under the sun"
could be
"My love is like a lake mama,
rejecting the solid world,
deep and clear and able to form "
I find when revising a poem, if it feels cluttered or messy, just trim off the unnecessary and it often comes out better, without even having to change much.
I also question the use of Cleopatra and Judas. They don't have a clear relationship other than both having cool names and being fairly popular figures. Maybe you could switch Jesus and Judas, so in the opposite its understood to include everything in between. There's a famous and commonly known (accessible) part of the bible wherein at the last supper Jesus washes the feet of his disciples with water to display his love and humilty. I think there's some fantastic potential to play off there.
The last addition I'd suggest is in the first stanza the last line seems awkward and too similar to the second. I think if you're speaking in first person as a child, you really need to personalise the language right off the bat. Maybe something like ,
"eager to show her the little pools;
I made for my mama."
It makes use of the word mama in it's childish/innocent connotations, I think.
I'm an amateur poet myself, so only take the suggestions you like and disregard the rest. I hope this helps you.
Oh, btw, I really liked the poem and read it quite a few times so, y'know, well done
I also appreciate that this is definitely free form, but I think it could benefit from some tightening on line structure or, if you're feeling bold, some minor revisions to make the meter/phrasing flow more smoothly. An example would be:
"My love is like a lake mama,
rejecting the fragile constructs of the solid world,
deep and clear and able to form any shape under the sun"
could be
"My love is like a lake mama,
rejecting the solid world,
deep and clear and able to form "
I find when revising a poem, if it feels cluttered or messy, just trim off the unnecessary and it often comes out better, without even having to change much.
I also question the use of Cleopatra and Judas. They don't have a clear relationship other than both having cool names and being fairly popular figures. Maybe you could switch Jesus and Judas, so in the opposite its understood to include everything in between. There's a famous and commonly known (accessible) part of the bible wherein at the last supper Jesus washes the feet of his disciples with water to display his love and humilty. I think there's some fantastic potential to play off there.
The last addition I'd suggest is in the first stanza the last line seems awkward and too similar to the second. I think if you're speaking in first person as a child, you really need to personalise the language right off the bat. Maybe something like ,
"eager to show her the little pools;
I made for my mama."
It makes use of the word mama in it's childish/innocent connotations, I think.
I'm an amateur poet myself, so only take the suggestions you like and disregard the rest. I hope this helps you.
Oh, btw, I really liked the poem and read it quite a few times so, y'know, well done
If I could say only one thing before I die, it'd probably be,
"Please don't kill me"
"Please don't kill me"