10-27-2013, 05:00 AM
Hi Ryan,
I've seen this one before I think, though I don't recall if I'd commented on it.
Here's what I notice immediately, as a scene you may be able to get away with the amount of modifiers you have, but in a poem there are way too many. I think if you went through this and cut out half of the adjectives or adverbs you'd have a stronger piece. I don't dislike the piece just think that work needs to be done first if you want to make this an effective poem.
L1 for instance iron, rich, and metallic look to cut that down.
For your consideration,
Todd
I've seen this one before I think, though I don't recall if I'd commented on it.
Here's what I notice immediately, as a scene you may be able to get away with the amount of modifiers you have, but in a poem there are way too many. I think if you went through this and cut out half of the adjectives or adverbs you'd have a stronger piece. I don't dislike the piece just think that work needs to be done first if you want to make this an effective poem.
L1 for instance iron, rich, and metallic look to cut that down.
For your consideration,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson