Acquiescence to Sand, to Stone. (Revision)

[Todd]

Hi Euan,

Before I get into the critique on the edit. I moved your post around to follow the general conventions of the forum. I placed the revision the original, and renamed the post to the revision just so people did not continue to comment on the earlier version without noticing that you'd put a revision up within the thread.

Here are some comments for you on the edit below:

Thank you again for the critique, here is my edit -



Acquiescence to Sand, to Stone.

The Ocean's edge
divided, then merged again
between water and sand--These top three are an improvement. They set the scene well.
cold--Be wary of one word lines, they have to be very good to hold the line. Cold isn't very good in this context. Also Cold and hot is not a strong observation of sand and water. I think you could cut all of this without losing anything.
and hot.
Trickling sand blisters
the skin between my toes
I step forward into the water--You've lost punctuation somewhere. You had it earlier. Stay consistent. I like Trickling sand blisters much more than "hot" earlier.

And I begin to wade--We've already established the I earlier you can cut the "and I"
I grasp--The line break feels choppy when read. Add a half pause when reading the line out loud and consider cutting the I and pulling passing driftwood
passing driftwood
arms outreached,
countering the darkness.--I'm unclear how this action counters the darkness that we have now been introduced to
Its emptiness constricting--Not bad potential, if we establish the darkness or what it represents (depression, ennui, etc) earlier
penetrating my outer layer--Something a little more concrete here. Outer layer of clothing? skin? the shell I put before the world? It's a little vague
it tears into my soul.--Soul references in poetry are mostly overdone. If you're going to use the soul it better be very interesting.
Its grip,
rigid as the pebbles beneath me--This may work better up near where the darkness is introduced. If you want to keep it here, in any event. I think you should pull this up a line at least "rigid as the peebles" me should probably be "my feet"

Each pebble holds its own memory--I don't think you can use the pebbles in this way. You're using the comparison to the darkness being rigid as the pebbles. I could be off, but I think you need to rephrase this a bit
each pebble holds my own memories.--If you keep or revisit this structure you don't need "own"
The water trickles through my hair
and settles on the surface.
Each droplet, a tear--Maybe each droplet like a tear
a reminder of my Humanity.
That even now, I feel--This is sort of implied by the last line. You can cut it
memories cannot be drowned
be it in this Ocean
or carved free onto the canvas of Earth--free seems like it could be cut, or onto would be replaced with from. It depends what you're trying to convey

I bleed upon the stone,
carving whatever I can
these stones siphon through me.
My vision fading
and my strength, waning.
uncertanity plagues me
with a familiar loneliness settling in.--I would consider cutting this entire strophe. If this is important to the theme, it needs to feel more connected.

I submit to the Gods
of injustice,
that have plagued me for too long.--Again, I'd look to cut all this too, it feels a bit random, to me at least

Cast forward,
thrown onto the Beach.--don't need thrown, could pull onto the beach. I note the capitalization (may be a bit heavy-handed for a metaphor though it's okay).
tasting the sand, again.
Searing into my skin, again.
Even this lacks grit
that powerful winds guarantee.--Powerful is a word like beautiful or unique. It's better to show the concept with action.
I step forward into the Moonlight
its radiance, a reflection.

This feels like a step forward to me. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd