Two For Alice (Edit #4 with punctuation)

[ellajam]

edit #4

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home sang your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

red geraniums
christen April's first boat ride
Alice's daughter
wakes her mother's home from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
mom's favorites replanted


edit #3

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted mom's favorites
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
still red geraniums bloom

Edit #2

Edit #2

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
but replants mom's best loved blooms
---------------------------------
(I've considered the word "same" in L2 and can't seem to let it go. I haven't figured out why it doesn't come across when it seems vital to me. hhhmmmm)
--------------------------------

Edit #1

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
the house becomes hers
changing it to suit herself
she retains mom's best loved blooms

-------------
(meh, unsure, any thoughts?)

------------


Original

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's reflection, soaring

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
great-grandchildren wade the shore

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
Alice's daughter
breathes new life into the void
replanting mom's favorites

Hi ella,
I admire your tenacity and understand your methodology in editing. There is room, I hope, to disagree with you on several points...but this is your poem and it has more merit than mediocrity...and that is what makes poetry live.
You have gone without punctuation and that is genre-generic. Many take this route. One could argue that it is an easy way out. After all, punctuation takes some knowledge a priori...to not use it requires nothing but a belief in the genre. The piece is edited to a level. Nothing you can do now will increase the aggregate pleasure of you AND the crits. Leave it alone. Read it in 3 or 4 years. See how you feel then.
I once gave up semi colons for a year...ellipses were my methadone! I got hooked.
Best and well done,
tectak

Okay, I'll stop obsessing. My final edit for now is with the punctuation. I think it adds to the poem and hopefully doesn't take anything away.

I so appreciate the magnifying glass you have put in place for me, and I'm enjoying the changes occuring as I edit and punctuate other poems.

Thanks so much for your help.