Why Delay? (a short poem)

[alatos]

Why Delay?

This road I walk is mine alone, though countless trudge beside;
a journey set through solitude, though millions match my stride.
I gaze ahead; I feel my breath, and cry along the way.
For every step, one less to death --- I wonder: why delay?

Advice? (Don't worry, I am not contemplating suicide.)

[Charlesjoseph]

Why Delay?

This road I walk is mine alone, though countless trudge beside;
a journey set through solitude, though millions match my stride.
I gaze ahead; I feel my breath, and cry along the way.
For every step, one less to death --- I wonder: why delay?


Why Delay?

This road I walk is mine alone,
though countless trudge beside,
a journey set through solitude, ---------------------------------(I'm not sure about "set through" maybe you can come up with one word that means the same thing. it works but it stuck out to me)
though millions match my stride.

I gaze ahead I feel my breath,
and cry along the way. --------- --------------------------------( you can come up with a better line that says the same thing it will make this stronger)
With every step, one less to death --------------------------------------(with works here)
I wonder, "why delay?"

Hey there,
I am in no way trying to rewrite your poem I just wanted to show you another way to break your lines. This seems cleaner to me. Also I think your title could be stronger but thats up to you. With that said, I like your poem, i think it needs some adjustment hope this gave you a few ideas.
Cheers
Chazz

[Mitya]

You make good use of alliteration throughout this poem, which is always something I love to see and hear. Further, the concept of the poem, its underlying sentiment, is very familar. It is an emotion felt by so many, especially today. You say in your post that you are not contemplating suicide, but there are probably many that would be. That is a testament to your foresight, as tragic as it is.

The third line might sound better if you maintain parrallelism there. Instead of, "I gaze ahead; I feel my breath, and cry along the way," you might try, "I gaze ahead; I feel my breath; I cry along the way"

Also, "set through" might serve well as "marked by," which would work excellently with the other 'em' sounds in the second line. " At the same time, Solitude would probably work better with "set through". You might find focusing on just 'm' or 's' sounds in that line beneficial.

[alatos]

Thanks for the suggestions guys. I think I will keep "set through," because to me it gives a nice image of the solitude as something very tangible if that makes any sense. I do agree with the semicolon on the second to last line, it helps. Thanks guys!

[tomoffing]

I understand (and appreciate) your desire to maintain the tangibility of solitude image. However, "set through" does not capture this for me. I find it difficult to reconcile your meaning and that detracts from the clarity you've said you are aiming for.
I think you can find something that would achieve all of what you want. "a journey trekked in solitude" perhaps?

"Stride" at the end of L2 jarred slightly. It works excellently with your rhyming scheme but I found it inconsistent with your "trudging" image in L1, and as it evokes a sense of decisiveness, also didn't knit with the overall uncertainty.

This is your work obviously though, so go with your instinct.

In a wider sense, this is a beautifully succinct expression of a ubiquitous question. One that lends itself to being overwrought. Well done.

I look forward to whatever final edits you decide on. Thanks a lot,

[Mikeodial]

Why Delay?

This road I walk is mine alone, though countless trudge beside;
a journey set through solitude, though millions match my stride.
I gaze ahead; I feel my breath, and cry along the way.
For every step, one less to death --- I wonder: why delay?

Advice? (Don't worry, I am not contemplating suicide.)

Here are some thoughts. Breaking it up a little into stanzas and some emphasis on the emotions you are invoking.

This road I walk is mine alone,
though countless trudge beside;
a journey set in solitude,
though millions match my stride.

I gaze ahead;
Breathing,
Crying,
along the way.
For every step,
one less to death ---
I wonder:
why delay?

[gilmored]

I like this poem especially the first 2 lines. The second two are strong too but a little sad (which is what I assume you were going for). In the second line would you consider "a journey met with solitude"? it sounds smoother to me, and gives it a bit more despair.

[Simatong]

Why Delay?

This road I walk is mine alone, though countless trudge beside;
a journey set through solitude, though millions match my stride.
I gaze ahead; I feel my breath, and cry along the way.
For every step, one less to death --- I wonder: why delay?

Advice? (Don't worry, I am not contemplating suicide.)

I think that "set through" sounds a little off here, but then again, the manner in which I speak and write may be different from what is seen in your neck of the woods.

I like the wording of the poem and I thank you for sharing it. While it didn't tug at my heartstrings, I like the creativity.