Acquiescence to Sand, to Stone. (Revision)

[Todd]

Hi Euan,

Welcome to the site! I appreciate the contributions of yours I've seen so far. Okay, so critique like I would in Serious...here goes:

Hello everyone, I'd appreciate some critique on this, treat it as you would in the serious workshop. Thank you for your interest.

My Strength is Fading--I would challenge you to think of a stronger title. Something to clarify the piece. When the poem tends to simply rehash the title, it feels like a bit of a wasted opportunity. That isn't a rule of course, but just a thought.

Through the waters,--Ask yourself, is this the most evocative opening line you can come up with? I would ask you to find something stronger to open with
I wave.
Grasping the
passing driftwood
arms outreached,
to counter the darkness.
Its emptiness constricting
claiming souls
left, lifeless--These last three lines seem a bit abstract and "poetic' sounding to me without adding much.
rigid as the pebbles beneath me--Like this simile

I am not afraid to cry--I don't think you need this line. You could just start the next line with Tears remind me..."
the tears remind me that I am still a Man.
That even now, I feel--This is a much longer poem than it needs to be, to keep the tension you need to be tighter. Lines like this could be cut.
memories cannot be drowned--Nice line
be it in the Ocean
the lake
the river--This construction is too wordy. Choose maybe the ocean and then move directly to the motel room.
or a 1 room motel with enough grog
to kill me twelve times over.

I bleed upon the stone,--I like the phrasing of this line
becoming drenched,
they siphon through me
My vision fading
and my strength, waning.
Lost.
Alone.
I choose my fate
that is,
refusing to perish.--All of the rest of this feels like it's lacking in concrete detail. Lost and Alone can't hold the lines. You need imagery in this part desperately. Wordsworth: I wander lonely as a cloud. Something to ground the idea like that.

I submit to the Gods
the Gods of injustice--Every place you can cut, cut. The repetition of gods on this line for instance.
that have plagued me for too long.--specific detail not "plagued me for too long. This can't convey true emotional intensity.

Cast forward,
I am thrown onto a Beach
tasting the sand,
even this lacks the grit--You don't need the
that howling winds around me enforce.
Wandering aimlessly--aimlessly is just an adverb doing you no favors. These first few lines from the beach down have promise. I think this is an area you could develop.
I haven't the need to be here
I haven't the strength.

But what I have in my heart will be enough,
for how long, I still don't know.[b]--Look at all these "I"'s. This is self reflection. It isn't a strong way to end.

So, I know that may not seem positive, but I do think there is a poem here. I suspect it's more in the beach part, but I'm open to see what you come up with.

I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd