Acquiescence to Sand, to Stone. (Revision)

[Euan]

Hello everyone, I'd appreciate some critique on this, treat it as you would in the serious workshop. Thank you for your interest.


Revision

Acquiescence to Sand, to Stone.

The Ocean's edge
divided, then merged again
between water and sand
cold
and hot.
Trickling sand blisters
the skin between my toes
I step forward into the water

And I begin to wade
I grasp
passing driftwood
arms outreached,
countering the darkness.
Its emptiness constricting
penetrating my outer layer
it tears into my soul.
Its grip,
rigid as the pebbles beneath me

Each pebble holds its own memory
each pebble holds my own memories.
The water trickles through my hair
and settles on the surface.
Each droplet, a tear
a reminder of my Humanity.
That even now, I feel
memories cannot be drowned
be it in this Ocean
or carved free onto the canvas of Earth

I bleed upon the stone,
carving whatever I can
these stones siphon through me.
My vision fading
and my strength, waning.
uncertanity plagues me
with a familiar loneliness settling in.

I submit to the Gods
of injustice,
that have plagued me for too long.

Cast forward,
thrown onto the Beach.
tasting the sand, again.
Searing into my skin, again.
Even this lacks grit
that powerful winds guarantee.
I step forward into the Moonlight
its radiance, a reflection.

~~~

Original

My Strength is Fading

Through the waters,
I wave.
Grasping the
passing driftwood
arms outreached,
to counter the darkness.
Its emptiness constricting
claiming souls
left, lifeless
rigid as the pebbles beneath me

I am not afraid to cry
the tears remind me that I am still a Man.
That even now, I feel
memories cannot be drowned
be it in the Ocean
the lake
the river
or a 1 room motel with enough grog
to kill me twelve times over.

I bleed upon the stone,
becoming drenched,
they siphon through me
My vision fading
and my strength, waning.
Lost.
Alone.
I choose my fate
that is,
refusing to perish.

I submit to the Gods
the Gods of injustice
that have plagued me for too long.

Cast forward,
I am thrown onto a Beach
tasting the sand,
even this lacks the grit
that howling winds around me enforce.
Wandering aimlessly
I haven't the need to be here
I haven't the strength.

But what I have in my heart will be enough,
for how long, I still don't know.