So, I Dream of Raining Fucks

[Euan]

It's a complete mess, I suggest you strip it apart. Remove the helper words, the contrived use of words and structure it better. I reckon if you tighten it up, you'll find it much easier to write. Have a definite, simple idea to write on. The more shit you throw in, the more complex it becomes, you cannot have complexity without a decent structure and effective punctuation. You need to keep it simple. If you're going to put forward an idea, a image for the reader, CONCLUDE IT. Don't just move onto another idea, and leave the other in the dark. It's another factor to the contrivity you have here. Some ideas you have here such as 'fragmented waters' are confusing, explain how the water is fragmented, how. Make sense of it all. It adds more to the confusion and if you were to EXPAND on that idea, highlighting it in your poem with some entertaining metaphors and interesting personification you'd have something half decent.

Good on you for putting this out there, thanks for the read.