Dispelling Alphabet Soup

[Tempest]

Breathing cumulo vapor
tangling
with the unseen vortices
that dance outside my back door
dream priest breaks silence
to call & say
I miss you
let's hang out
all
these
bits
Unwind
collapse on the ground Jubilant
& seeing landscapes
of other's truths
learning vicariously from that which they cannot know
fluorescent pomegranates
& neon orchids
decay like so much disregard
unplucked
repugnant
shouldn't this fuel us
this cynical nectar of hope
so close to our tears in composition
matter of that
which binds us
with one grand gesture
in a brilliant flash
pull us out & place us en
it may look humble & simple
from down here
but up there
it is dramatic
& majestic

-me>

"And we noticed that women, especially the hippy ladies, started reacting differently.
With your permission, their nipples get hard.
They start dancing in a whole other kind of way,
catching butterflies in the air.
People get goosepimples.
They laugh, they cry at the same time. They get horny and holy at the same time...
You see them."

~Shpongle

;p

[SirBrendan]

I've no idea what was just said. I mean, Ive got this bizarre image of rotting fruits and flowers and then it's clashed with the oxymoron "this cynical nectar of hope". Is the nectar hopeful or cynical? It can't really be both. Really though, I've just no clue what the metaphors are alluding to.

I think you became subject to a really common problem, and what I definitely suffer from, where you got trapped by wanting to fit as many fun words as possible that you forgot what you were trying to say (or remembered, but were distracted).

There's some editing issues as well:
"pull us out & place us en
it make look humble & simple "

Sorry if the comments seem too harsh. I think you've the potential to make some great stuff, but this ain't it. My advice for improvement would be just to strip out all the flowers and get back to the heart. Make an extremely simple poem, and then once you've the message ad imagery locked down then you can dance it up with the big words and meter/structure

[Tempest]

I've no idea what was just said. I mean, Ive got this bizarre image of rotting fruits and flowers and then it's clashed with the oxymoron "this cynical nectar of hope". Is the nectar hopeful or cynical? It can't really be both. Really though, I've just no clue what the metaphors are alluding to.

I think you became subject to a really common problem, and what I definitely suffer from, where you got trapped by wanting to fit as many fun words as possible that you forgot what you were trying to say (or remembered, but were distracted).

There's some editing issues as well:
"pull us out & place us en
it make look humble & simple "

Sorry if the comments seem too harsh. I think you've the potential to make some great stuff, but this ain't it. My advice for improvement would be just to strip out all the flowers and get back to the heart. Make an extremely simple poem, and then once you've the message ad imagery locked down then you can dance it up with the big words and meter/structure

It's supposed to be oxymoronic.
Thanks though.
This is transcendental stream of consciousness stuff.
The message is in the image.
A kind of formula.
Learning how to live gracefully from life's patterns big and small.

en (n)
n.
1. The letter n.
2. Printing A space equal to half the width of an em.

make was supposed to may though good lookin out



Did you get anything positive from it?

[SirBrendan]

I've read this poem likely twenty times now. There's something really interesting about it for me. It reads wonderfully, which is why the sort of dream-like phrasing is rubbing me so raw. You've clearly got a better head for meter and structure than I do, so I just want you to take your poetry to that next bit.

Again though, I'm just one reader and I'm certainly no Keats. I just know that whereas the sound was lovely, the message was totally lost on me. If it's there, it's too buried within itself. But the good news, and it's good news, is you have a tremendous advantage in being able to hear your poetry better than most. I'd really like to see you push out another, because I do see the potential.

There have certainly been poets on this forum 've read where I just want to stop, but you definitely aren't one of 'em

[ellajam]

Hi, Tempest,

I got caught on Breathing cumulo vapor and didn't want to go on. I still can't figure out how or why cumulo and en are used here.

But once I got past that I enjoyed the read. I particularly liked decay like so much disregard.

If you're not Shpongle, or even if you are, you might want to credit the quote.

Just a thought.

[Tempest]

I've read this poem likely twenty times now. There's something really interesting about it for me. It reads wonderfully, which is why the sort of dream-like phrasing is rubbing me so raw. You've clearly got a better head for meter and structure than I do, so I just want you to take your poetry to that next bit.

Again though, I'm just one reader and I'm certainly no Keats. I just know that whereas the sound was lovely, the message was totally lost on me. If it's there, it's too buried within itself. But the good news, and it's good news, is you have a tremendous advantage in being able to hear your poetry better than most. I'd really like to see you push out another, because I do see the potential.

There have certainly been poets on this forum 've read where I just want to stop, but you definitely aren't one of 'em

I really appreciate the feedback. Sincere thanks for letting me know it tries to get across but falls short. It definitely comes from an out there place. I've been writing poetry for a long time and published two books, this one did not make the cut. I wanted to put it in here to see what translated and what didn't you know. So really thank you and any more feedback is greatly appreciated. I'll be posting again, something more refined, and hoping to hear from you.

---

Hi, Tempest,

I got caught on Breathing cumulo vapor and didn't want to go on. I still can't figure out how or why cumulo and en are used here.

But once I got past that I enjoyed the read. I particularly liked decay like so much disregard.

If you're not Shpongle, or even if you are, you might want to credit the quote.

Just a thought.

Hello. Because I can't bear the thought of you feeling caught I'll try to explain a little. Consciousness in a breath feels, to me, a lot like consciousness in a cloud. But ultimately leads to much quicker evaporation, or some such dissolution. En just because I like to play with words, hint at things. Would've been in, but en route seemed like such a short leap. I try to mean as many things at once as possible but if it just comes out as nonsense that's no good. So thank you. Any more feedback will be highly valued. Stay Shpongled.

---

Ha, look at this cool site I found trying to figure out who originally said that.
Click on one of the links that's just a word like time or truth.

http://fusionanomaly.net/shpongle.html

[ellajam]

I've read this poem likely twenty times now. There's something really interesting about it for me. It reads wonderfully, which is why the sort of dream-like phrasing is rubbing me so raw. You've clearly got a better head for meter and structure than I do, so I just want you to take your poetry to that next bit.

Again though, I'm just one reader and I'm certainly no Keats. I just know that whereas the sound was lovely, the message was totally lost on me. If it's there, it's too buried within itself. But the good news, and it's good news, is you have a tremendous advantage in being able to hear your poetry better than most. I'd really like to see you push out another, because I do see the potential.

There have certainly been poets on this forum 've read where I just want to stop, but you definitely aren't one of 'em

I really appreciate the feedback. Sincere thanks for letting me know it tries to get across but falls short. It definitely comes from an out there place. I've been writing poetry for a long time and published two books, this one did not make the cut. I wanted to put it in here to see what translated and what didn't you know. So really thank you and any more feedback is greatly appreciated. I'll be posting again, something more refined, and hoping to hear from you.

---

Hi, Tempest,

I got caught on Breathing cumulo vapor and didn't want to go on. I still can't figure out how or why cumulo and en are used here.

But once I got past that I enjoyed the read. I particularly liked decay like so much disregard.

If you're not Shpongle, or even if you are, you might want to credit the quote.

Just a thought.

Hello. Because I can't bear the thought of you feeling caught I'll try to explain a little. Consciousness in a breath feels, to me, a lot like consciousness in a cloud. But ultimately leads to much quicker evaporation, or some such dissolution. En just because I like to play with words, hint at things. Would've been in, but en route seemed like such a short leap. I try to mean as many things at once as possible but if it just comes out as nonsense that's no good. So thank you. Any more feedback will be highly valued. Stay Shpongled.

I get the cloud, cumulus would have sat fine, it was cumulo that I never use. En route, nah, never made that jump.

[Tempest]

I've read this poem likely twenty times now. There's something really interesting about it for me. It reads wonderfully, which is why the sort of dream-like phrasing is rubbing me so raw. You've clearly got a better head for meter and structure than I do, so I just want you to take your poetry to that next bit.

Again though, I'm just one reader and I'm certainly no Keats. I just know that whereas the sound was lovely, the message was totally lost on me. If it's there, it's too buried within itself. But the good news, and it's good news, is you have a tremendous advantage in being able to hear your poetry better than most. I'd really like to see you push out another, because I do see the potential.

There have certainly been poets on this forum 've read where I just want to stop, but you definitely aren't one of 'em

I really appreciate the feedback. Sincere thanks for letting me know it tries to get across but falls short. It definitely comes from an out there place. I've been writing poetry for a long time and published two books, this one did not make the cut. I wanted to put it in here to see what translated and what didn't you know. So really thank you and any more feedback is greatly appreciated. I'll be posting again, something more refined, and hoping to hear from you.

---

Hi, Tempest,

I got caught on Breathing cumulo vapor and didn't want to go on. I still can't figure out how or why cumulo and en are used here.

But once I got past that I enjoyed the read. I particularly liked decay like so much disregard.

If you're not Shpongle, or even if you are, you might want to credit the quote.

Just a thought.

Hello. Because I can't bear the thought of you feeling caught I'll try to explain a little. Consciousness in a breath feels, to me, a lot like consciousness in a cloud. But ultimately leads to much quicker evaporation, or some such dissolution. En just because I like to play with words, hint at things. Would've been in, but en route seemed like such a short leap. I try to mean as many things at once as possible but if it just comes out as nonsense that's no good. So thank you. Any more feedback will be highly valued. Stay Shpongled.

I get the cloud, cumulus would have sat fine, it was cumulo that I never use. En route, nah, never made that jump.

What do you think Brandon? Should I change it to Cumulus?

[ChristopherSea]

I really appreciate the feedback. Sincere thanks for letting me know it tries to get across but falls short. It definitely comes from an out there place. I've been writing poetry for a long time and published two books, this one did not make the cut. I wanted to put it in here to see what translated and what didn't you know. So really thank you and any more feedback is greatly appreciated. I'll be posting again, something more refined, and hoping to hear from you.

---

Hello. Because I can't bear the thought of you feeling caught I'll try to explain a little. Consciousness in a breath feels, to me, a lot like consciousness in a cloud. But ultimately leads to much quicker evaporation, or some such dissolution. En just because I like to play with words, hint at things. Would've been in, but en route seemed like such a short leap. I try to mean as many things at once as possible but if it just comes out as nonsense that's no good. So thank you. Any more feedback will be highly valued. Stay Shpongled.

I get the cloud, cumulus would have sat fine, it was cumulo that I never use. En route, nah, never made that jump.

What do you think Brandon? Should I change it to Cumulus?

Yes, you should, as cumulo- is a prefix. However, cumulo-vapor is an interesting possibility.