Two For Alice (Edit #4 with punctuation)

[tectak]

edit #4

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprintmaybe drop the "same". Sme as what? The other foot?
porches forming wings
ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflectionVery gentle and sensitive imagery but beware of the crit's glass-eye. Is it the reflection OF the lake? No. Is it the reflection IN the lake. Yes, I think so. Better to say which or you are covering the wrong eye

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home sang your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joyThis is really a very subtle cover-up of tiny failings....and it probably doesn't really matter. The punctuation is inconsistent and that irks. The "it", though obviously referencing your "soul", gives choice a foothold BECAUSE of the punctuation sparsity...and that flicker of indecision makes me fear a fall. As always, you do not NEED to punctuate....but I never read a poem that was improved by the ommission...though I have read many made worse by the inclusion.


Spring

red geraniums
christen April's first boat ride
Alice's daughter
wakes her mother's home from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
mom's favorites replantedYes. It is now too little too late. Punctuate to clarity. This is a very sweet piece that you damage by the gentlest of ill-treatment.
This is me liking it very much. You have a good train of thought but you ignore all the signals at your peril. Red, amber, green. Period, semi colon, comma.
Best,
tectak


edit #3

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted mom's favorites
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
still red geraniums bloom

Edit #2

Edit #2

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
she clears the hallways
blueprints drawn for room to grow
but replants mom's best loved blooms
---------------------------------
(I've considered the word "same" in L2 and can't seem to let it go. I haven't figured out why it doesn't come across when it seems vital to me. hhhmmmm)
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Edit #1

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's icy reflection

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
grandchildren wade the shoreline

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
the house becomes hers
changing it to suit herself
she retains mom's best loved blooms

-------------
(meh, unsure, any thoughts?)

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Original

Winter

your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint
porches forming wings
as if it could glide across
the lake's reflection, soaring

half glassed for winter
half screened to catch summer's breeze
your home held your soul
cradled it during your stay
released it to soar in joy


Spring

Alice's daughter
has planted geraniums
in window boxes
her mother's home wakes from sleep
great-grandchildren wade the shore

counting her pennies
to buy what she can't let go
Alice's daughter
breathes new life into the void
replanting mom's favorites