10-12-2013, 06:26 PM
I don't know anything about Dido. This is the first I've heard of her! So, I will be critiquing it from that standpoint. I can't join all your witty quibbles over mythology, unfortunately! My H.D. Imagiste would be appalled, I know it.
The grammar, to me, is - I mean, it's fine, but it's a little lackluster. I feel that there should be drama in this poem. Other people have said different things; rhetorical, sarcastic... Perhaps I am reading it wrong - perhaps another cruel trick is being played on me on this forum! - but I see drama and I really want to put forward a critique that emphasis the drama in it. The grammar is the first thing, but also, the meter at times runs on and is bad.
The first three lines are really good but are at times awful.
The first line, beautiful. Glorious. Exalted, dramatic, very good. Greek, even. Tragic. I adore it. Perfect start. The second line; I'll get back to. The third line is grotesque. It's disgusting, it's too twee. It's too sweet. It's too much sugar. The three rhymes, and all - it doesn't suit it, to me. I don't know why you did it. And also, the first two are iambic pentameter (with a bit of swapping in the second line, which makes it awkward, to me, when examining it, but it was fine to read - strange - but I believe 'then' is an anacrusis?), and then the second one is about eight steps and it's strange. I would not expand on that last line, it rambles on, it's odd. I would shorten. Let me show you how I'd arrange it:
Something like that. With the DRAMA, exlamation mark and all. You have a bolded LOVE - which is perhaps Venus, personified Love? 'Venus inflamed your passion' - I don't know. But, LOVE INFLAMED YOUR PASSION! Drama! Exclamation marks! And restate: LOVE inflamed your passion! LOVE caused the object of... And then drop down - the alliteration and triple rhyme were too twee, for me, too cute. Didn't work. You've already seized me with the drama. I want drama, now. I want opera. Chop it up. It means the same thing, but it's curt and dangerous. Better aesthetically, in my view.
'His' is weird, here. The ache of his loss? I thought Dido was a man here, when I first read it because of that. It should be the ache of 'your' loss, I think? There's a kind of subtle rhyme between 'Dido' and 'able', a half-rhyme, that I didn't notice until I was counting syllables, that was nice. You're subtle and slippery with this, I like it - you are a talented poet. It's too long, out of meter. I want consistency.
Which isn't quite consistent, but it's an improvement, I think. It's much closer, the rhythm is the same. The rhythm of the original is fairly drastic, strained. I have to find it. I want a rhythm. (I am being hard on you - it is a wonderful poem and a pleasure to read.)
Perfect. Meter, perfect, rhyme, perfect, rhythm, perfect, I adore it. The whole thing is sinister, too, you're challenging this dead girl. It's sinister. The sinister element sort of introduces here - a turn? It's good. It gets more ironic. The sarcasm is coming in - but I don't understand it. I'll have to read it more. Can't comment on that, really. Not meaning only sound. You won't get meaning from me - I don't understand it.
I'd just push it to be more dramatic, before the end:
I hated that last line at first, I thought it was silly. But, now that I've analysed the poem more in-depth, I like it. I like it a whole lot more than I did. In fact, I like it a lot. I like the poem a lot. I see what you're doing, now, a little anyway. It's a bit of a mystery to me.
It's very Old Greek in style. I'm thinking, like, Virgil's Aenids, and all. And epic poetry. And nice, not-used-very-much AABCCDEE rhyme scheme - apart from the fact that it isn't, but it plays on it - which is a nice rhyme scheme. I like the style. I just want it to be more dramatic, with more choppy punctuation and more severe meter. Amp it. Go hard. Poetry should go hard, unless you are trying to sweet talk a girl. Do not sweet talk a girl with this poem.
I don't really understand much of the Thing Narrated, though. I feel like there's a lot I'm not getting. I understand the first part - she loses her love and kills herself. Nice. Then, taunting? I don't understand. So this is one for me to mull over. I'll return to this poem a few times - try to 'get it', I think. I have not truly opened a dialogue with this poem. This isn't the mark of a loser poet, though - it's not that you haven't communicated, I just don't understand it yet. Perhaps I'm not talented enough a reader.
Good work!
ALSO, if you want my advice, split the stanza into two at the turn:
The grammar, to me, is - I mean, it's fine, but it's a little lackluster. I feel that there should be drama in this poem. Other people have said different things; rhetorical, sarcastic... Perhaps I am reading it wrong - perhaps another cruel trick is being played on me on this forum! - but I see drama and I really want to put forward a critique that emphasis the drama in it. The grammar is the first thing, but also, the meter at times runs on and is bad.
The first three lines are really good but are at times awful.
Quote:Great Dido, Love inflamed your passion,
then caused the object of your affliction
to flee, over the sea, away from you, secretly.
The first line, beautiful. Glorious. Exalted, dramatic, very good. Greek, even. Tragic. I adore it. Perfect start. The second line; I'll get back to. The third line is grotesque. It's disgusting, it's too twee. It's too sweet. It's too much sugar. The three rhymes, and all - it doesn't suit it, to me. I don't know why you did it. And also, the first two are iambic pentameter (with a bit of swapping in the second line, which makes it awkward, to me, when examining it, but it was fine to read - strange - but I believe 'then' is an anacrusis?), and then the second one is about eight steps and it's strange. I would not expand on that last line, it rambles on, it's odd. I would shorten. Let me show you how I'd arrange it:
Quote:Great Dido, Love inflamed your passion!
Love caused the object of your affliction
to secretly flee away.
Something like that. With the DRAMA, exlamation mark and all. You have a bolded LOVE - which is perhaps Venus, personified Love? 'Venus inflamed your passion' - I don't know. But, LOVE INFLAMED YOUR PASSION! Drama! Exclamation marks! And restate: LOVE inflamed your passion! LOVE caused the object of... And then drop down - the alliteration and triple rhyme were too twee, for me, too cute. Didn't work. You've already seized me with the drama. I want drama, now. I want opera. Chop it up. It means the same thing, but it's curt and dangerous. Better aesthetically, in my view.
Quote:Feeble Dido, not being able to stand the ache of his loss,
you put a knife through it; then you crossed.
'His' is weird, here. The ache of his loss? I thought Dido was a man here, when I first read it because of that. It should be the ache of 'your' loss, I think? There's a kind of subtle rhyme between 'Dido' and 'able', a half-rhyme, that I didn't notice until I was counting syllables, that was nice. You're subtle and slippery with this, I like it - you are a talented poet. It's too long, out of meter. I want consistency.
Quote:Feeble Dido, not able to stand your loss
You put a knife through it and crossed.
Which isn't quite consistent, but it's an improvement, I think. It's much closer, the rhythm is the same. The rhythm of the original is fairly drastic, strained. I have to find it. I want a rhythm. (I am being hard on you - it is a wonderful poem and a pleasure to read.)
Quote:Did this bisection split you from your pain,
as it removed you from your mortal frame?
Perfect. Meter, perfect, rhyme, perfect, rhythm, perfect, I adore it. The whole thing is sinister, too, you're challenging this dead girl. It's sinister. The sinister element sort of introduces here - a turn? It's good. It gets more ironic. The sarcasm is coming in - but I don't understand it. I'll have to read it more. Can't comment on that, really. Not meaning only sound. You won't get meaning from me - I don't understand it.
Quote:Exquisite Love made poor Dido go insane.
How delicious, how apropos, how…loving!
I'd just push it to be more dramatic, before the end:
Quote:Exquisite Love made Dido go insane! [don't see why the poor is there - messes with the meter and it adds nothing serious]
How delicious, how apropos, how…loving!
I hated that last line at first, I thought it was silly. But, now that I've analysed the poem more in-depth, I like it. I like it a whole lot more than I did. In fact, I like it a lot. I like the poem a lot. I see what you're doing, now, a little anyway. It's a bit of a mystery to me.
It's very Old Greek in style. I'm thinking, like, Virgil's Aenids, and all. And epic poetry. And nice, not-used-very-much AABCCDEE rhyme scheme - apart from the fact that it isn't, but it plays on it - which is a nice rhyme scheme. I like the style. I just want it to be more dramatic, with more choppy punctuation and more severe meter. Amp it. Go hard. Poetry should go hard, unless you are trying to sweet talk a girl. Do not sweet talk a girl with this poem.
I don't really understand much of the Thing Narrated, though. I feel like there's a lot I'm not getting. I understand the first part - she loses her love and kills herself. Nice. Then, taunting? I don't understand. So this is one for me to mull over. I'll return to this poem a few times - try to 'get it', I think. I have not truly opened a dialogue with this poem. This isn't the mark of a loser poet, though - it's not that you haven't communicated, I just don't understand it yet. Perhaps I'm not talented enough a reader.
Good work!
ALSO, if you want my advice, split the stanza into two at the turn:
Quote:Great Dido, Love inflamed your passion,
then caused the object of your affliction
to flee, over the sea, away from you, secretly.
Feeble Dido, not being able to stand the ache of his loss,
you put a knife through it; then you crossed.
Did this bisection split you from your pain,
as it removed you from your mortal frame?
Exquisite Love made poor Dido go insane.
How delicious, how apropos, how…loving!