10-11-2013, 02:01 PM
Revision
The seedling may angle upward toward the light
for the reason that we climb mountains.
This world though is not a Skinner box. Taking me back to high school psychology, good times good times
We do not ascend for the pellet of reward,
but that we might fall. This was human Good insight, reminded me of The Dark Knight "Why do we fall Sir, so that we learn to pick ourselves up" Great trilogy, and it's also super hero related so I think that goes well here.
evolution before the alien came
to catch us,
and I’m the villain? good
You search the skies for your Savior,
while I stand before you
in unadorned Armani. The clothing brand? Just for description, or is there more to this?
You fancy that he is a bird, a plane. Classic, this will never get old. Over 70 years of Superman publications, and it's still going strong
You dream of flight and forget Since you mentioned Skinner's box, I was thinking psychology. Fight or Flight, probably not the meaning here, but I think it could add something. Dreaming of flight/safety/freedom, and forgetting, so that means fighting/conflict. Or forgetting how to fight? I think this has potential to be interoperated numerous ways in this context. But I'm probably getting extraneous here.
that failure is ascent, and every precipice
ends in the pit, These two lines stood out, great wording
as it will for this dying son
of a dying world. This jaundiced
Morning Star will crack the eastern sky,
and then I will dream
of bodies in free fall
under a red sun.
Got a little confused with these last four and a half lines
~~~
Edit: Went with something a little different, not sure if it's moving in the right direction or not.
I think you're going in the right direction, I enjoyed the depth and imagery of this poem, they story/message of course was also well-constructed. Thanks for the read.
The seedling may angle upward toward the light
for the reason that we climb mountains.
This world though is not a Skinner box. Taking me back to high school psychology, good times good times
We do not ascend for the pellet of reward,
but that we might fall. This was human Good insight, reminded me of The Dark Knight "Why do we fall Sir, so that we learn to pick ourselves up" Great trilogy, and it's also super hero related so I think that goes well here.
evolution before the alien came
to catch us,
and I’m the villain? good
You search the skies for your Savior,
while I stand before you
in unadorned Armani. The clothing brand? Just for description, or is there more to this?
You fancy that he is a bird, a plane. Classic, this will never get old. Over 70 years of Superman publications, and it's still going strong
You dream of flight and forget Since you mentioned Skinner's box, I was thinking psychology. Fight or Flight, probably not the meaning here, but I think it could add something. Dreaming of flight/safety/freedom, and forgetting, so that means fighting/conflict. Or forgetting how to fight? I think this has potential to be interoperated numerous ways in this context. But I'm probably getting extraneous here.
that failure is ascent, and every precipice
ends in the pit, These two lines stood out, great wording
as it will for this dying son
of a dying world. This jaundiced
Morning Star will crack the eastern sky,
and then I will dream
of bodies in free fall
under a red sun.
Got a little confused with these last four and a half lines
~~~
Edit: Went with something a little different, not sure if it's moving in the right direction or not.
I think you're going in the right direction, I enjoyed the depth and imagery of this poem, they story/message of course was also well-constructed. Thanks for the read.
I never highlight my flaws or deficits
Because none of that will matter when death visits
Because none of that will matter when death visits