Venus

[jdvanwijk]

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Great Dido, Love inflamed your passion,
then caused the object of your affliction I like the turn of affection to affliction.
to flee, over the sea, away from you, secretly. "away from you" feels a bit superfluous for me, but leaving it out altogether makes the ee-ee-ee rhymes of this line too obvious. Maybe insert something else that adds more meaning?
Feeble Dido, not being able to stand the ache of his loss,This line feels a bit unwieldy to me: it feels a bit too square, metrically. "Unable" instead of "not being able" already helps I think.
you put a knife through it; then you crossed.
Did this bisection split you from your pain,Bisection suddenly sounds very "medical" and clashes with the tone of the rest of your poem; on purpose probably, doesn't work for me here, because you don't build on it. What if you infuse the next lines with more and more "modern" words to prepare for the climax?
as it removed you from your mortal frame? "Mortal frame" sounds clichéd.
Exquisite Love made poor Dido go insane.Love with a capital letter is a bit too didactic for me.
How delicious, how apropos, how…loving! Quite a move in tone! I like the idea of the twist, but for me it comes a bit too sudden, the climax doesn't feel "earned" yet. Maybe add an extra line in the same ironic/sarcastic tone to prepare for the last line?



©2013 -Erthona

Hope this is of any use to you!