10-03-2013, 03:32 PM
I think you can make it so even non-hunters can understand. i mean, if your goal with your poetry is fame, greatness, published works, etc.; it needs to be understood by all readers.
all changes listed are imo
"The Hunter's Endeavor"
Look all around*
Lain on the cold ground*
There are nuggets of yellow gold scattered -delete "there are" (seems extraneous)
near & far for all to seek*
precious metal not of what I speak* -delete "precious" (flows better)
Heavenly manna the corn god freely gives
He graciously does gladly grant*
They are not required to chant*
None need to give him thanks
This gift is to one & all alike*
Nourishing morsels for all get a gold strike*
No need to share or fight
There is plenty of this corn seed*
more than enough all do concede*
He arrives in his 4-wheeled chariot to deliver
Dutiful he fills the electric feeder by hand* - change to "dutifully" or "dutiful,"
His hunting expectations are grand* - delete "hunting"
Animals watch hidden deep in the woods to wait
The corn god's feeder timer they can depend* -very oddly constructed phrase here.
The rain of crunchy gold corn will never end*
No matter the size or breed various critters get their fill - change to "no matter size or breed, they get their fill"
This is a necessity for what the corn god truly seeks*
For he hunts a special grand trophy for keeps*
It must be big & perfect to hang upon his wall - try to think of better adjectives than "big & perfect"
Is no matter whether dove, turkey or buck* - delete "is"
The spent gold helps ensures this god plenty of luck* - ensure should have no "s" at the end
This great sportsman is known throughout the forest
By all who feed*
happily upon his seed*
all changes listed are imo
"The Hunter's Endeavor"
Look all around*
Lain on the cold ground*
There are nuggets of yellow gold scattered -delete "there are" (seems extraneous)
near & far for all to seek*
precious metal not of what I speak* -delete "precious" (flows better)
Heavenly manna the corn god freely gives
He graciously does gladly grant*
They are not required to chant*
None need to give him thanks
This gift is to one & all alike*
Nourishing morsels for all get a gold strike*
No need to share or fight
There is plenty of this corn seed*
more than enough all do concede*
He arrives in his 4-wheeled chariot to deliver
Dutiful he fills the electric feeder by hand* - change to "dutifully" or "dutiful,"
His hunting expectations are grand* - delete "hunting"
Animals watch hidden deep in the woods to wait
The corn god's feeder timer they can depend* -very oddly constructed phrase here.
The rain of crunchy gold corn will never end*
No matter the size or breed various critters get their fill - change to "no matter size or breed, they get their fill"
This is a necessity for what the corn god truly seeks*
For he hunts a special grand trophy for keeps*
It must be big & perfect to hang upon his wall - try to think of better adjectives than "big & perfect"
Is no matter whether dove, turkey or buck* - delete "is"
The spent gold helps ensures this god plenty of luck* - ensure should have no "s" at the end
This great sportsman is known throughout the forest
By all who feed*
happily upon his seed*