Poetry Forum

Before you read this know it is about hunting animals & if you dont know about hunting you will not understand most of it. the "*" indicate each ending rhyme (mostly for me to compose). I'm starting here then edit & throw to the poets in "critical" forum
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"The Hunter's Endeavor"

Look all around*
Lain on the cold ground*
There are nuggets of yellow gold scattered
near & far for all to seek*
precious metal not of what I speak*
Heavenly manna the corn god freely gives
He graciously does gladly grant*
They are not required to chant*
None need to give him thanks
This gift is to one & all alike*
Nourishing morsels for all get a gold strike*
No need to share or fight
There is plenty of this corn seed*
more than enough all do concede*
He arrives in his 4-wheeled chariot to deliver
Dutiful he fills the electric feeder by hand*
His hunting expectations are grand*
Animals watch hidden deep in the woods to wait
The corn god's feeder timer they can depend*
The rain of crunchy gold corn will never end*
No matter the size or breed various critters get their fill
This is a necessity for what the corn god truly seeks*
For he hunts a special grand trophy for keeps*
It must be big & perfect to hang upon his wall
Is no matter whether dove, turkey or buck*
The spent gold helps ensures this god plenty of luck*
This great sportsman is known throughout the forest
By all who feed*
happily upon his seed*

Hi, spikerider, interesting point of view, I don't think the reader needs to be a hunter to understand. I would have preferred to read it without your editing marks, but here are a few notes.

(09-26-2013, 09:52 AM)Spikerider Wrote: [ -> ]
Before you read this know it is about hunting animals & if you dont know about hunting you will not understand most of it. the "*" indicate each ending rhyme (mostly for me to compose). I'm starting here then edit & throw to the poets in "critical" forum
---------------------------------------------------------------

"The Hunter's Endeavor"

Look all around*
Lain on the cold ground* if you want to use lain here maybe you could drop there are in the next line
There are nuggets of yellow gold scattered nice description for corn
near & far for all to seek*
precious metal not of what I speak* phrasing feels forced for the rhyme
Heavenly manna the corn god freely gives
He graciously does gladly grant* also forced
They are not required to chant*
None need to give him thanks
This gift is to one & all alike*
Nourishing morsels for all get a gold strike*
No need to share or fight
There is plenty of this corn seed*
more than enough all do concede*who is all? The animals? Nah
He arrives in his 4-wheeled chariot to deliver
Dutiful he fills the electric feeder by hand*
His hunting expectations are grand*
Animals watch hidden deep in the woods to wait
The corn god's feeder timer they can depend*possibly an on at the beginning here?
The rain of crunchy gold corn will never end*
No matter the size or breed various critters get their fill
This is a necessity for what the corn god truly seeks*
For he hunts a special grand trophy for keeps*
It must be big & perfect to hang upon his wall
Is no matter whether dove, turkey or buck*
The spent gold helps ensures this god plenty of luck*
This great sportsman is known throughout the forest
By all who feed*known to the animals? like pet to master?
happily upon his seed*

While it seems a little far-fetched to compare bait to manna, I think this poem reads loud and clear. I hope you'll take the time to work on the phrasing leading into your rhymes so they are less awkward.

Thanks for posting.

(09-26-2013, 09:50 PM)ellajam Wrote: [ -> ]Hi, spikerider, interesting point of view, I don't think the reader needs to be a hunter to understand. I would have preferred to read it without your editing marks, but here are a few notes.

(09-26-2013, 09:52 AM)Spikerider Wrote: [ -> ]
Before you read this know it is about hunting animals & if you dont know about hunting you will not understand most of it. the "*" indicate each ending rhyme (mostly for me to compose). I'm starting here then edit & throw to the poets in "critical" forum
---------------------------------------------------------------

"The Hunter's Endeavor"

Look all around*
Lain on the cold ground* if you want to use lain here maybe you could drop there are in the next line
There are nuggets of yellow gold scattered nice description for corn
near & far for all to seek*
precious metal not of what I speak* phrasing feels forced for the rhyme
Heavenly manna the corn god freely gives
He graciously does gladly grant* also forced
They are not required to chant*
None need to give him thanks
This gift is to one & all alike*
Nourishing morsels for all get a gold strike*
No need to share or fight
There is plenty of this corn seed*
more than enough all do concede*who is all? The animals? Nah
He arrives in his 4-wheeled chariot to deliver
Dutiful he fills the electric feeder by hand*
His hunting expectations are grand*
Animals watch hidden deep in the woods to wait
The corn god's feeder timer they can depend*possibly an on at the beginning here?
The rain of crunchy gold corn will never end*
No matter the size or breed various critters get their fill
This is a necessity for what the corn god truly seeks*
For he hunts a special grand trophy for keeps*
It must be big & perfect to hang upon his wall
Is no matter whether dove, turkey or buck*
The spent gold helps ensures this god plenty of luck*
This great sportsman is known throughout the forest
By all who feed*known to the animals? like pet to master?
happily upon his seed*

While it seems a little far-fetched to compare bait to manna, I think this poem reads loud and clear. I hope you'll take the time to work on the phrasing leading into your rhymes so they are less awkward.

Thanks for posting.

well I will make changes & repost soon, the "bait" mention is a 2sided coin. it is bait but it also serves to fatten up animals for the winter that we don't hunt or shoot like coons & birds of all kinds (songbirds too) others also

I think you can make it so even non-hunters can understand. i mean, if your goal with your poetry is fame, greatness, published works, etc.; it needs to be understood by all readers.

all changes listed are imo

"The Hunter's Endeavor"

Look all around*
Lain on the cold ground*
There are nuggets of yellow gold scattered -delete "there are" (seems extraneous)
near & far for all to seek*
precious metal not of what I speak* -delete "precious" (flows better)
Heavenly manna the corn god freely gives
He graciously does gladly grant*
They are not required to chant*
None need to give him thanks
This gift is to one & all alike*
Nourishing morsels for all get a gold strike*
No need to share or fight
There is plenty of this corn seed*
more than enough all do concede*
He arrives in his 4-wheeled chariot to deliver
Dutiful he fills the electric feeder by hand* - change to "dutifully" or "dutiful,"
His hunting expectations are grand* - delete "hunting"
Animals watch hidden deep in the woods to wait
The corn god's feeder timer they can depend* -very oddly constructed phrase here.
The rain of crunchy gold corn will never end*
No matter the size or breed various critters get their fill - change to "no matter size or breed, they get their fill"
This is a necessity for what the corn god truly seeks*
For he hunts a special grand trophy for keeps*
It must be big & perfect to hang upon his wall - try to think of better adjectives than "big & perfect"
Is no matter whether dove, turkey or buck* - delete "is"
The spent gold helps ensures this god plenty of luck* - ensure should have no "s" at the end
This great sportsman is known throughout the forest
By all who feed*
happily upon his seed*