Brunch (For fun)

[milo]

Edit:

If cannibalism was not a sin,
I could devour your delicious skin.
Rich scents are tickling my nose,
Tongue dipping in between your toes.
Teeth scraping up behind your knee,
Could eat you with an English tea.
Your fingertips are sweet corn bread,
Clouding reason in my head.
Your whiskey mouth has made me weak.
I nibble softly on your cheek.
I know I can't resist that ear.
Thank God your tasty shoulder's near.
I don't draw blood; no, not this time.
Ingesting you would be a crime.
I suppose I should also add
That killing you would make me sad.
The problem that I have, you see,
Is wanting all of you in me.

The thought behind it is clever enough but the execution is all over the place. I don't know how familiar you are with meter but rhyme really doesn't work without it, especially in light verse. I would say abandon the rhyme altogether but to be honest I don't think it would hold together. It is almost more a string of common couplets strung together. In addition there are little niggles that should be addressed in almost every line so I can't really do a line by line.

Is cannibalism a sin? Never really heard that before.

Anyway, I am not too sure how far you really want to go with it and it is a pretty big investment, but if you are serious there are some things you could do to start cleaning it up.