Magnetic Beasts (Edit 2)

[Todd]

Hi V,

Well, I've come to this one late. Some comments on the new edit:

I'm reading this on two levels. There is the computer virus being used as a metaphor for the tracks we leave in one another in old relationships.

Edit 2

He found his way inside,--This seems to imply that there was a level of protection before his coming. Like a computer virus, the other person in the relationship had no idea what had just happened.
gnawed on my mind and crawled my buttons.--do you need on? Without it the structure is more parallel. Gnawed seems to suggest that there was destruction left in his wake. Also, the crawling on the buttons is an interesting way of implying he pushed the speaker's buttons through the machine/computer image
An insidious worm--insidious feels a little too telling. It is a good word for what's happening, but I think the actions speak to the worm's nature better. I'd cut the adjective, and possibly pull up tunnelling. Just some thoughts.
tunnelling through my brain,
leaving tiny tracks everywhere--Like how you develop this
for faster travel to millions of wires.--Like how you turn it back to the machine

He drank my spinal fluid,--see insidious without having to say it. Nice
slurped it in with a greedy grin--Why not "He slurped my spinal fluid with a greedy grin. Drank sounds redundant.
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:--condense by cutting one day and make it one line
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.--gorgeous two lines. I love that image.

He spilled his insides
through his mouth into mine;--graphic, nicely done. He's left himself (self-replicating if you will)
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall.I'm not sure "of his bitter gall" gives you much other than being a bit telling in one sense and messing with the flow in another. It's probably only important to show him leaving something damaging behind. If you make the shift you could cut the with and pull "stalagmite triplets" up a line
They slowly pierced me from inside,--they could then become that. Is there a way you could show some sort of erosion maybe on the next line without resorting to slowly?
left deep circular holes.--I like this sequence though, despite the many comments.

The triplets died eventually--I would consider cutting this and just moving directly to "the three circles...scars"
and the three circles grew into scars,
blended with the marks I grew
from past failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn magnetic curtains.--sort of a Wizard of Oz flavor. Don't look behind the curtain. Nothing is as it appears.

I enjoyed the read. I hope the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[ChristopherSea]

Edit 2

He found his way inside,
gnawed on my mind and crawled my buttons.
An insidious worm
tunnelling through my brain,
leaving tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.

He drank my spinal fluid,
slurped it in with a greedy grin
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He spilled his insides
through his mouth into mine;
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall.
They slowly pierced me from inside,
left deep circular holes.

The triplets died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blended with the marks I grew
from past failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn magnetic curtains.


Edit 1

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
an insidious worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurped it in with a greedy grin,
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine
and without spilling a single drop,
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall.
I felt them poking from the inside
until they pierced my skin
and slowly birthed themselves,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
which blend in well with the marks I grew
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.


Original

He gnawed on me,
on my mind and many buttons,
like some virus or worm
digging tunnels through my brain,
laying tiny tracks everywhere
for faster travel to millions of wires.
(He always knew when to pull which.)

He drank my spinal fluids,
slurping with a greedy grin, until one day
he'd finally had his fill,
leaving my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.

He disgorged his insides
through his mouth into mine,
not spilling a single drop,
impregnating me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall,
birthing themselves slowly,
piercing out my skin,
leaving deep, circular holes.

The triplets of course died eventually
and the three circles grew into scars,
blending in well with the marks I got
from other failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn, magnetic curtains.

The newest edit 2 reads a lot cleaner and less ambiguous for me. Nice job Louise!/Chris

[NewJerseyMan99]

A terrifying poem indeed

[milo]

A terrifying poem indeed

good point, but this is the serious workshopping forum and, as such, we expect a much higher level of critique in this forum. Please read the forum rules at the top of each forum as they are different.

from the serious critique forum rules:

If possible, leave a line-by-line or at least a partial line-by-line critique, as well as a comment outside the body of the poem. Ensure that it provides valuable feedback to the poet, even if it's all positive. A simple "I like this" is not appropriate for serious critique. Please comment to the best of your ability.


Thanks

/mod

[Volaticus]

Hi V,

Well, I've come to this one late. Some comments on the new edit:

I'm reading this on two levels. There is the computer virus being used as a metaphor for the tracks we leave in one another in old relationships.

Edit 2

He found his way inside,--This seems to imply that there was a level of protection before his coming. Like a computer virus, the other person in the relationship had no idea what had just happened.
gnawed on my mind and crawled my buttons.--do you need on? Without it the structure is more parallel. Gnawed seems to suggest that there was destruction left in his wake. Also, the crawling on the buttons is an interesting way of implying he pushed the speaker's buttons through the machine/computer image
An insidious worm--insidious feels a little too telling. It is a good word for what's happening, but I think the actions speak to the worm's nature better. I'd cut the adjective, and possibly pull up tunnelling. Just some thoughts.
tunnelling through my brain,
leaving tiny tracks everywhere--Like how you develop this
for faster travel to millions of wires.--Like how you turn it back to the machine

He drank my spinal fluid,--see insidious without having to say it. Nice
slurped it in with a greedy grin--Why not "He slurped my spinal fluid with a greedy grin. Drank sounds redundant.
until one day
he'd finally had his fill:--condense by cutting one day and make it one line
left my back bone bent
like a Dandelion in July.--gorgeous two lines. I love that image.

He spilled his insides
through his mouth into mine;--graphic, nicely done. He's left himself (self-replicating if you will)
impregnated me
with stalagmite triplets of his bitter gall.I'm not sure "of his bitter gall" gives you much other than being a bit telling in one sense and messing with the flow in another. It's probably only important to show him leaving something damaging behind. If you make the shift you could cut the with and pull "stalagmite triplets" up a line
They slowly pierced me from inside,--they could then become that. Is there a way you could show some sort of erosion maybe on the next line without resorting to slowly?
left deep circular holes.--I like this sequence though, despite the many comments.

The triplets died eventually--I would consider cutting this and just moving directly to "the three circles...scars"
and the three circles grew into scars,
blended with the marks I grew
from past failures at recognizing
the beasts hiding
behind drawn magnetic curtains.--sort of a Wizard of Oz flavor. Don't look behind the curtain. Nothing is as it appears.

I enjoyed the read. I hope the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

Hi Todd,
Thanks a lot for your kind words and detailed feedback. I think this poem calls for one last edit. You've made some good points, that'll help me a lot. Much appreciated
Best,
Louise

[Volaticus]

The newest edit 2 reads a lot cleaner and less ambiguous for me. Nice job Louise!/Chris

Thanks a lot, Chris